Okay this is my first try at fan fiction so I hope nobody thinks it sucks lol. Also please don’t copy it or use it without my permission because plagiarism isn’t cool. Anyway, I hope this goes over good because I’m trying to convince Brian to turn this into a fan fiction site instead of stupid political stuff or whatever. Beside this one, I have some other good ideas like a hilarious crossover where Walker Texas Ranger battles the Cloverfield monster or a story where the whole crew from Duck Tales gets stuck on a pirate ship haunted by ghost pirates. Anyway, here’s my story. Hope you like it!

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The Bar None Gang Saves Robert F Kennedy

By Keith

Chapter 1

The bus door swung open as the hot, dry air poured in to the front stairwell. Budnick squinted as he stepped down onto the dusty gravel driveway and set his duffel bag down.

“This place bites the big one!” Budnick exclaimed as he turned to see Donkey Lips emerging from the bus. Donkey Lips stopped beside his friend and looked around at their new home, the Bar None Ranch.

Bobby Budnick of Salute Your Shorts
“No Duh! I can’t believe Dr. Kahn shhent usssh here jusssht becausshe we hung Ug’shh underwear up in the messsh hall!” said Donkey Lips. “Now we won’t even get the chanssh to sshrow Shhponge in the lake while he’s shhleeping!”

Budnick paused then grabbed for his duffel. “Let’s get out of here.” But just as he turned to get back on the bus, the door slammed shut and the Greyhound lurched forward with a squeal as the brakes released. Budnick and Donkey Lips stood in a cloud of dust as the bus pulled away. Suddenly they heard the sound of approaching footsteps crunching on the gravel from behind them.

“Well, hey there new camper friends!” exclaimed a voice as a murky figure emerged from beyond the cloud of dust. The two stranded friends turned back toward the front of the ranch to see Mr. Ernst walking toward them and waving enthusiastically. “Welcome to the Bar None Ran…ooooof!!!” Mr. Ernst lurched forward and fell to the gravel as he tripped over his own cowboy boot-clad feet. “Who put that there!” He exclaimed as he searched for a phantom object to excuse his own clumsiness.

“What a dork!” laughed Budnick as Donkey Lips nodded in agreement and replied, “No Duh!”

Donkey Lips and Macaulay Culkin?

Mr. Ernst stood up and brushed the lightly-colored dust from his jeans. He snickered sheepishly then recomposed himself as he again faced the boys. “Well, let’s gather up your belongings and get you boys to the bunkhouse. I bet once you two settle in you’ll find the Bar None every bit as fun as Camp….uhhhh….what was your camp called again?”

Budnick and Donkey Lips faced each other and with devilish grins proclaimed in boisterous shouts, “Camp Anawanda! We hold you in our hearts! And when we think about you, it makes us wanna fart!”

Donkey Lips and lady friend

Mr. Ernst laughed brightly and threw his hands up. “That’s the spirit, boys! Let’s go!” He turned swiftly and began striding back toward the ranch. Budnick shrugged and scowled as the two boys grabbed their duffel bags and dispiritedly followed the ranchkeeper toward their new home.

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Ted pushed down on the latch and pulled forward on the rusty handle to throw the shed door open. As he entered the cool, dark confines of the shed, Ted grasped blindly into the space above his head searching for the pull cord of the ceiling light. He found it and turned on the light with a quick tug just as Danny entered through the just-opened door.

“What a bunch of junk,” Ted remarked as he gazed amongst the heaps of long-forgotten artifacts stored inside the shed. “It’ll take forever to find anything in here!” Danny nodded with a look of resigned acceptance. The two ranch hands moved toward opposite sides of the shed and began reshuffling the randomly scattered objects heaped about. “Hey check this out!” exclaimed Ted as he pulled a stuffed eagle out from within a stack of old tractor tires.

The Gang fixes the fence

“The eagle is sacred to my people,” said Danny. “We believe the soaring eagle carries the souls of our departed ancestors to the spirit world above.”

“Well this one isn’t carrying any spirits anymore!” remarked Ted as Danny shook his head solemnly. The two continued searching in a futile effort to find the hinges needed to repair the broken gate to the horse pen. Ted began pulling large wooden fence poles away, suddenly revealing a large metal object. “What the heck is this thing!?” exclaimed Ted puzzledly. “Come give me a hand.”

Danny joined Ted and the two began removing objects from around the large bell-shaped pod. It was tall enough to almost touch the roof rafters and was smooth and shiny like aluminum. Ted walked around the object looking it up and down until stopping at the far side. He found a knob about chest high on the pod and pulled, causing a metal door to swing open. Behind the metal door was a dusty control panel of buttons and gauges. Ted blew on the panel causing a billowing cloud to fly into the faces of two stunned workers. They choked and frantically waved their hands in front of their faces desperately trying to clear the dust. Finally, Ted reached forward and began wiping the last of the dust from a row of adjustable dials.

“Month. Day. Year. Time. What is this thing?” said Ted as he stared in puzzlement. “My senses tell me that it’s what your people refer to as a time machine,” replied Danny. “Perhaps we should tell the others.”

****

Brad strode through the door and plopped down on her cot with a groan. “What happened to you! You’re all filthy!” cried Melody as she looked at her disheveled bunkmate.
Brad and Melody ponder RFK

“Buddy was trying to teach Cassie to fetch a Frisbee but he threw it into the horse pen and spooked them. The horses ended up stampeding through the gate so I spent all afternoon rounding them up while Ted and Danny fixed the gate.”

Melody shook her head and rolled her eyes at Buddy’s latest caper. “Like father, like son.”

“So what have you been up to with your day off?” asked Brad as Melody set aside her open book.

“I’ve been reading the most amazing book. Do you know much about Robert F Kennedy?” queried Melody.

“I’ve heard of him but I don’t know that much about what he did,” responded Brad as she settled into her bunk.

“He was such an incredible person. I’ve been reading this book and thinking a lot about what it would’ve been like if he had become president,” said Melody as she shrugged ruefully.

“Well, it’s too bad we can’t go back in time and change history,” responded Brad as she began pulling off her boots.

Buddy apologizes to his Dad for breaking the fence

****
“Your mail for today, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?” said Rosa Jenkins, the loyal secretary to Robert F. Kennedy.

“Thank you Ms. Jenkins. Could you please see to it that I have no further distractions until the room service attendant arrives with my lunch?” replied Robert.

“Yes, sir,” Rosa respectfully replied as she turned to leave the room, closing the doors behind her as she left. Robert turned to the fresh stack of mail and began sorting through it. One letter caught his attention above all the others – a note from Republican candidate Richard Nixon. Robert quickly set aside all the other letters and opened the one from his rival.

“Dear Robert,” the letter read. “I hope this letter finds you in good health. While I have listened carefully to your arguments, I must respectfully disagree with your position on land development. I will do everything in my power, should I be elected president in November, to encourage the expansion of communities into lands currently reserved for other purposes. Although I recognize that such expansion would pose a threat to dude ranches and summer camps throughout America, I believe that it is a small price to pay for economic growth. Yours truly, Richard Milhouse Nixon.”

RFK Down

Robert shook his head and sighed. “It’s all up to me,” he whispered under his breath as he set the letter aside. Suddenly there was a knock at the door and a muffled voice proclaimed “Room Service!” Without hesitation, RFK replied, “Come in.” Robert looked up from the notes and letters spread across the table to see a uniformed hotel attendant standing before him with an array of foods on a wheeled cart.

“Your lunch, sir. Tuna salad on toasted wheat, melon salad, a slice of raspberry cheesecake and a glass of grapefruit juice. Is there any other way I can be of service to you today, sir?” stated the attendant with a light accent to his English.

“Excellent,” said RFK as he glanced at his watch, “And very punctual too. My secretary said 45 minutes but you were here in less than 30. I admire that sort of dedication to service.” Robert grabbed for his wallet and grimaced as he found an insufficient supply of cash to tip the attendant as he saw fit. “You’ll have to forgive me as I don’t quite have enough to compensate you as I’d like. But you have my word that I’ll find you later and give you the rest when my staff arrives for this afternoon’s speech.”

“Yes, sir. That is not a problem,” said the attendant as a thin smile spread across his lips. “I’m quite sure I’ll be seeing you again.”

“By the way,” posed Robert, “What’s your name so I can find you?”

“It’s Sirhan…..Sirhan Sirhan.”

Sirhan and Company

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Okay, so that’s chapter one which is all I’ve written so far lol but I couldn’t wait to share! Chapter 2 will be coming soon and you probably already know that the whole gang will be using the time machine to go back and save RFK, but you still don’t know how they’re gonna do it. And you don’t know how the time machine ended up on the ranch which I’ll explain too. Also, I might write a subplot where Budnick and Donkey Lips accidentally meet the Beatles and play some Guns ‘n Roses for them, forever changing the course of music history. But that might be stupid so you’ll just have to wait and find out if I write that or not. Maybe a better subplot would be Buddy meeting his Dad as a teenager and learning that they have a lot in common beneath all of his Dad’s dorkiness. Let me know what you think!!!!