Hernandez’s Head

I’m Brian Hernandez and I just don’t give a fuck. I tell it like it is and if you don’t like it well then you can just KISS MY BROWN ASS!

People are always telling me to tone it down, saying that I shouldn’t be so edgy and outrageous. Well I say fuck that!

Like the other day, one of my friends was like, "Hey Brian, you know you should really probably chill on some of the Middle Eastern stuff" and I was all like, "What you talking about?" And he was all like, "You know — they’re crazy," and I was like, "Shut up! You need to be a man and a real American and read your history books and watch Band of Brothers and know who you are and not be ashamed of it."

Well this Middle Eastern guy overheard and he was like, "Hey you should listen to your friend. My people are crazy." And I was like, "Fuck you, Habib. You don’t know who the fuck I am. I’m not white. I don’t apologize for what my country had to do to get where it is, to be the greatest country in the world. You think you’re crazy. Bitch you don’t know crazy. My people are fucking crazy. You get it, Habib?"

And this gets him pissed and he’s like, "No I don’t get it. You need to get it. My people blew up two of your buildings," and I’m all like, "’Two of our buildings?’ La dee da. Bitch, we blew up two of your countries!"

See Habib thought that when he blew us up, the Blacks and the Hispanics and the White people would fight. But look at me. Look into my eyes:

We’re united as one, we just fight with each other cause we’re bored and we like drama. But the second Habib comes and blows something up it’s like, "Nigger, chink, kike, cracker, wetback, Wonder Twin powers activate and LET’S GET HABIB!!!!"

And then he’s all like, "we’ve killed thousands of people," and I’m all like, "Bitch, we’ve killed millions. Doo Dee Doo!!!"

Then Captain Rag Head comes back with, "Well we’re trying to get an atomic bomb and if we do we might use it on you," and I’m like, "Look at me you dumb ignorant piece of shit: My people do have those bombs that you seek and guess what bitch, we already used them. Twice."

And if you don’t believe me then call Japan where the immediate blasts and subsequent radiation-related disease claimed as many as 200,000 human lives.

Bitch.

Well I figured right about then that this camel jockey was going to go all "Allah Hallalalalalalalalalala" on me, but he didn’t.

Instead, he said the following

You know something, Brian Hernandez, you’re absolutely right. About the Japs. About the Spics. About everything. Every single thing you said is exactly what every man, woman, and child in America is thinking to themselves. But you’re the only one with the balls to come right out and say it. In a society in which political correctness has run amok, you are the single brash yet undeniably hilarious voice that isn’t afraid to speak truth to lies. And you’re not fat.

And you know what, he was right about everything. Especially the fat part.