I want it.

Mike Tomlin has a great beard

Actually, I want all of Mike Tomlin’s facial hair. How does he keep everything so neat? I need a black man to teach me proper grooming.

Mike Tomlin and his beard

How does one maintain a beard that uniformly short? Does he have a personal barber who shaves him every morning? (and afternoon?)

Mike Tomlin and his beard at Steelers mini camp

And even if he does have his own live-in barber, how does the barber get that thing like that? I seriously have no idea – my father never taught me to shave and even if he had I doubt he would have known such advanced techniques.

Mike Tomlin and beard address the media

I asked my stepbrother Chris about Mike Tomlin’s beard. He agreed it’s a very fine beard. I asked Chris who else has a beard of such quality and if it would be possible for me, a white man, to grow one. He wasn’t sure, but did point out that Arnold Schwazzenger had an impossibly short beard in Predator.

Arnold Schwarzenegger with a beard in Predator

But really, it’s not the same; Arnold’s looks more like a grease stain or paint smear than it does facial hair. It’s not like Mike’s.

Mike Tomlin with a beard smiling

How does he shave it down to just those thin bars connecting sideburn and beard with such precise symmetry? I tried, failed, and then had to just shave everything off.

Mike Tomlin is happy and has a beard

Now, just like everyone else, when I first saw Mike Tomlin I thought, "Wow, the new Steelers coach looks exactly like actor Omar Epps." And he does. But you know what’s strange? I’ve never once looked at Omar Epps and thought, "Damn, Omar Epps has a great beard." Curious.

Mike Tomlin or Omar Epps?

So if any black people or barbers/stylists of any race out there know how Mike does it, please leave a comment letting me know, even if that comment carries the bad news that my genes won’t allow it. I’d rather find out the sad truth now than go on living not knowing. Thanks.

Mike Tomlin and his beard thank you for reading this article