Drugs Are My Anti-Parkour
alcohol and caffeine, specifically, but so great is the menace to self-preservation posed by parkour that anything short of black tar heroin should be embraced with open arms and legs.
Don’t believe me? Watch this shit:
Wait, what is parkour?
Parkour is an increasingly popular sport practiced by thrill-seeking youths some time after being born and immediately before dying from parkour-sustained injures. An alternative, more precise definition is that parkour is the efficient moving over, under, through, and above man-made and natural obstacles in sub/urban areas.
It is also absolutely 100% fucking insane and more badass than doing this
with your dick.
Is parkour right for me?
Maybe. To help you answer this question, I’ve created the following brief questionnaire:
1. Are you Lithuanian?
If you were born or currently reside in the former Soviet state, then parkour will likely appeal to you. In fact, if you call the northern neighbor of Russian exclave Kaliningrad Oblast home (!), then there’s a good chance you’re already a practitioner of parkour without even knowing it. Whatever do I mean? Well …
You know how when you’re on the second floor of a building and you want to go downstairs, the first thing you do is jump the gap separating one ledge from another and then do a backflip swan dive into a tuck roll to the ground below?
The rest of us take the stairs.
2. Do you look like someone I wouldn’t trust with my car?
I don’t own a fancy car, but I would still be leery about handing over the keys to a valet that looked like the kids I’ve seen in these parkour videos online.
First off, they are often shirtless. I don’t know if this is because the cities/countries in which they live are so blighted that shirts are a scarce commodity (the cities/countries do look pretty blighted) or if they’re worried about grass stains, I just know I don’t want their back sweat all up in my ride.
Secondly, most of them look like criminals. Not big-time crooks, just hooligans that get chased by the cops for spraypainting or breaking shit (and man oh man must those chases be hilarious – parkour is that rare hobby that makes it easier for you to get into places to cause mischief AND helps you escape once you’ve finished).
Lastly, except for the French black guy who helped develop the sport, parkour enthusiasts by and large look way too Aryan Brotherhood for me to trust them with the Sentra.
3. Are you really really into really shitty music?
A companion question to this one is "Do you really really love that Eminem ‘Lose Yourself’ song?"
I watched a ton of parkour highlight videos online and every one of them has as a soundtrack one of the following:
- some really whiny/wussy bitchy/pussy rock track probably by Fall Out Boy or 30 Seconds to Mars or some other famous band I’ve never actually heard before but that I assume is awful
- some offbeat/awkward rap track which, if it had been recorded in English would sound like it was made in 1983, but which is in another language and was produced within the past eighteen months
- the previously mentioned Eminem "Lose Yourself" song
I don’t get it: why would you film and edit footage of yourself doing hardcore, badass shit and then pair it with decidedly lame, not-hardcore/badass music? Music is powerful, and bad music can weaken something tough.
It can also work the other way – watch:
Anyway, back to the questionnaire: if you answered ‘yes’ to any/all of the previous questions, then you should probably start throwing yourself off buildings yesterday.
So what have we learned?
We’ve learned that parkour is the shit, pure and simple; it’s basically what every kid growing up would love to do and should except that it’s just too fucking dangerous.
Personally, I would love to try it – I’ve stood on rooftops countless times and known I could physically make a jump if I only summoned the nerve to try it.
But, I never will, and that’s a good thing because I know that if I ever psyched myself up enough to finally give it a shot, I’d slip or pull up short and this would happen:
In conclusion
Without a doubt, parkour is my favorite parker in years.
Loading ...
clisteroo on 
rewill rew on 
Kyle on
fascinating! most of the guys in the first video are wearing shirts, however…
it’s all the same guy - he’s just being different to be different
okay, then the SAME guy is wearing a shirt during most of his stunts…
“Fu was a member of an I-Parkour Facebook group”
“He was on the tower. Now the question is whether it’s accidental or intentional”
I forgot that being on facebook and falling/jumping off of towers were parkour.
“Alex was looking down sizing up the jump and slipped and fell”
I also forgot that looking at a gap was considered parkour.
[/sarcasm]
I actually enjoyed that article, it was hilarious. However you have a great deal of misconceptions about parkour. There has been maybe 3 deaths doing parkour, less than how many people are killed a year juggling a trio of hamsters. We emphasize safety very much for a while until the traceur (practitioner) is ready to make safe, good decisions. I know people that have been doing parkour for years and have never even stepped foot on a rooftop.
yo ur a fuckin fag. u can suck my dick. parkour is the shit and your just pissed cuz u probobly cant do it cuz ur a fatass who likes little boys ass holes
Adam - you are very perceptive - now, if you would be so kind, please let me know where I can find your dick so I can suck it - and if you’re a little boy, that’s even better since I will probably like your ass hole(s)
Adam - I can attest that Brian is not a fatass. I assure you that the sensual movement of his slender, hairless body would get you’re(?) dick hard from across the room.
You obviously know nothing of parkour or what its about.
I really hope this wasnt serious…but “Traceur” is right…but wrong in the fact that there has been NO deaths attributed to parkour. It’s also a lot safer than people think. You just need to be smart about it and not try anything you know or dont feel you might not be able to do.
Dude, you should really open your mind up. I could rant about how ignorant you are with your definition and understanding of Parkour, yet I will say only one thing: The eye sees only what the mind is ready to comphrehend (yes, your liquor soaked, porno twisted, THC fried one).
Before spewing your thoughts, take a sec to correct them.
Mate, you do realise parkour is not just about doing big impressive jumps. It is about, as you said, “the efficient moving over, under, through, and above man-made and natural obstacles in sub/urban areas.” You need to realise it is about talking your environment and using it to your advantage. Once you start parkour you never see the world in the same way, it changes the way you see everything and you begin see the opportunities that surround you in everyday life. I am a 14 year old female you does parkour, not many females where i am who do it, so i am classed a minority. From an outsiders point of view you think of all the dangers of it but as soon as you start it you realise it isnt dangerous if you start off small.
haha loved the read but the guy in the first video is david belle its one bloke not many hes is known as really the founder. the other video is oleg from latvia i believe
both are well trained and have never really sustained bad injuries. anyhow very amusing article
Well, you’ve wondered why those guys don’t have shirts.. It’s cause when you exercise, you get sweat, and if U had ever took stairs in your life, you would feel that bit cold and wet feeling under your shirt. And those people have trainings that last about as long as your lunch in McDonalds, they train for hours, and they cannot carry around their spring collection designer clothes. So they take some older stuff, and they don’t have to think about how to stay clean while exercising, cause if you haven’t notice they practice outside, and if you try to move your look from screen to the world outside, you’ll see a lot of dirt on streets. I guarantee!
And people who edit their movies mostly take music that will be more in style of ‘what have we done till now, we happily remember’ (slower - rap), or simply some stupid teen band cause they have rhythm ,and if U ever took a run around your block (in which I doubt), you would know it. Enjoy your day! 
This website is run out of the DPRK - no McDonald’s here, retard
Is there any need, really? In your whole argument you are stating that we, people who do parkour, are not to be trusted and that we have bad taste in music etc. Then you go and call someone a retard. What is your point in this argument? Or do you really not have one.
u rejects its not insane we aint hooligans and ure a idiot for thinking anything u wrote here is true u ***********
Keith, I don’t know about you, but I am thoroughly enjoying our blossoming young adult readership. Start working on your “high school musical 3 sux its so much worse then 1 and 2″ backlash piece. You only have 165 days left.