Catsandbeer.com

For all the hype that surrounds them, stem cells have thus far proven useless. However, in the next 10 years it is expected that these cells, whose pluripotence borders on omnipotence, will vastly improve the quality of human life. Presented below is a definitive list of the benefits Mankind and mankind will gain from stem cells.

1. Diarrhea


Ay! Ay! Ay! No me gusta!

No one likes shitting liquid. Pretty soon stem cells will be used to eliminate the avian flu, the unrecognized cause of 99.9% of all cases of diarrhea.

2. Jonathan Lipnicki

Most perfectly well-adjusted individuals still harbor BTK fantasies toward Jonathan Lipnicki. Stem cells will be used to create whatever odious limbless clones of this odious child actor are necessary to conform to particular scenarios. Scientists are working toward a Chris Kattan version of this technology but believe it is 50 years away due to the problems presented by raising a quadruplegic to the age of 25 or so.

3. Belief in God

Back row, middle. Is that Rush Limbaugh?

Stem cells will be used to create a race of super-soldiers who in turn will forcibly innoculate all citizens of Earth with stem cells that eliminate the belief in God. In His absence, all will become gay.

4. Anti-Kitten Sprays

Stem cells will be used to create a convenient, portable spray that kills kittens on contact.

5. Poly-gay-dactylism

My guess is the index finger.

It’s shitty enough to be born with extra fingers and/or toes. It’s even worse when one of the extra digits has a homosexual personality (assuming you are a heterosexual male). No matter how much you think about all the women you’d like to “do it” with, you invariably wake up the next morning with your gay digit in another man’s anus. Stem cells will cure gay fingers. Gay toes are a somewhat more difficult problem, but scientists expect to cure those too eventually.