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This space is dedicated to bringing you up to date on some of the most important academic advances of the preceding few months, culled from peer-reviewed journals. Although we all have our own little niche that we eat, sleep and breathe, I hope that you will be able to increase the breadth of your knowledge if not the depth through this quadra-annual feature.

Mathematics:
“Auto-erotic Pissinof Waves as Localized Dong Field Solutions to the Cohen Equation.” By Vladimir Pissinof and Sergei Olichenko, Journal of Applied Non-Linear Mathematics. Synopsis: The authors present a new class of masturbatory recursive functions via their Taylor expansions around x = 0. This revolutionary new solution method will allow precise computation of complex non-linear differential equations that govern the economic and quantum mechanical description of the heretofore intractable design and manufacture of personal lubricants.

French Literature:
“Prediction of the Vick Scandal in Nostradamus’ The Prophecies.” By Michael Grignard, Journal of French Literature. Synopsis: Author Grignard outlines and analyzes a quatrain that he believes predicts the Michael Vick dog-fighting scandal 452 years before it occurred. According to Grignard, the quatrain reads:

“The mobile man of once acclaim
Debrides the canine essence.
Then draws the slings of claimed outrage,
But secretly because in fantasy he sucks shit.”

This article has already drawn savage criticism from other French literature experts who take issue with Grignard’s translation, saying that “sucks shit” should be “sucks dick,” opening up both literal and figurative interpretations. Scholar Thomas Alva is preparing a counter-article predicting an impending R. Kelly/DMX sex tape scandal based upon the same quatrain.

Health:
“Self-esteem Adjustments in Obese Adults at the Holidays.” By Susan Ehrlinger, et al., Journal of Post-Adolescent Psychology. Synopsis: Behaviorists at UC Irvine have correlated a rise in self-esteem with forcing fat men to dress as Santa Claus at Christmas time. An inverse correlation was seen in women. The noted rise in self-esteem had no net benefit on rates of coronary disease and diabetes in the test group.

Chemistry:
“Synthesis of a Chirally-Mixed Hyper-Spivinoid.” By Franklin Spivey et al., Angschewitzen Nifgezachtenflung. Synopsis: Organic chemists at University College in London report the synthesis of an enatiomeric mixture of a hyper-branched poly-ether. The finding is notable because the space-filling model of the R-isomer resembles golden retriever puppies snuggling while the model of the S-isomer resembles Benicio del Toro fucking Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom stall. The molecule may have applications in organic conductors and radiation-resistant epoxy resins.

Food Science:
“Taste Preferences in a Poly-disperse Conference Group.” By Martha Sloan and Tamara Lyndin, Journal of Food Science. These University of Minnesota researchers conducted a comprehensive food taste survey of 1242 members in attendance at the 127th annual International Biomass Combustion Symposium in Detroit. It was determined that a slim plurality agreed with the statement “Celery in tuna fish salad is groddy,” followed closely by the statement “Celery in tuna fish salad makes me want to puke.” A solid majority was achieved when the statement was broadened to “I do not like celery in tuna fish salad.”

Sociology:
“Attraction Disparities between North American and European Adult Erotic Cinema Actresses.” by Johan Praust et al., Hungarian Journal of Sexual Dysfunction. Synopsis: University of Prague researchers found a notable difference in the overall attractiveness of female European pornstars in comparison to their North American counterparts. The study utilized a “1-10 Boner Rigidity Index” to empirically rank female attractiveness. The authors correlate the increased attractiveness of female European pornstars to the more discriminating tastes of European pedophiles.

Archaeology:
“Sanitation in an Ancient Sumerian Townsite.” By Prakash Vida, Journal of Ancient Cultures. Synopsis: A comprehensive isotopic analysis of organic debris in the recently uncovered Sumerian townsite of Gur reveals the absense of toilet paper in this ancient society. The author concludes that Sumerian asses smelled nasty.

Psychology:
“Humor Differentials by Gender.” by Rinderpest Merganser, Journal of Applied Psychology. Synopsis: Dr. Rinderpest ends an exhaustive 50-year study on female stand-up comedians with the conclusion that they are vastly inferior to their male counterparts. He is baffled by the data because no underlying mechanism was discerned for explaining the inability of females to compose and deliver a humorous observation to a crowd of viewers.

Physics:
“Eroding the Quantum Paradigm.” by Thurston Powell and Jillian Neugebauer, Nature. Synopsis: Stanford University physicists demonstrate the insufficiency of standard quantum models that predict the inability of men to urinate while sitting in the absence of a bowel movement. High-resolution photography is used to capture graduate student Powell urinating while sitting, disproving the quantum models. The researchers further demonstrate mathematially that the disparity cannot be explained by forming a superposition of excretory states. The unraveling of quantum theory further bolsters the new gravitational theory that accurately predicts splashback to 15 decimal places.