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Approximately 10,000 years ago, God created the Earth. In so doing, he concocted an elaborate back story that gave the impression of a 3.5 billion year progression of biological complexity that culminated in humans, et. al. None of this is up for debate; dissent is not tolerated at this website.

Although the writers of Lost couldn’t have scripted a more baffling and spectacular series of unlikely plotlines, such as the branching of the avian tree that separated the woodpecker from the blue-footed boobie, no subplot has captivated mankind more than the story of mankind.

You see, man evolved from monkeys (LOL! – but pretend like this is World of Warcraft and act like this all true; mythology is, like, kinda cool sometimes). In that monkey-to-man continuum was a seemingly endless series of tedious monkey men who weren’t half as hilarious as they should have been. Now, there used to be a gaping hole in the continuum until somebody dug up a skeleton that was dubbed “the missing link.” They named her Lucy and everyone made a big deal about it, but here’s my question: How do we know that she was a fitting representative of her species?

This artist was projecting

Consider the following: a super mega-volcano erupts and instantaneously encases the entire world in lava, capturing a snapshot of modern existence. A million years later, a group of hyper-advanced humans who had the forethought to build a time machine back in 2007 and beam themselves to the future start excavating to learn what humans were like. It’s a confusing scenario because the humans were from 2007 so they should know what 2007 was like, but at the same time maybe they were just bored since the Earth is now barren and lifeless. Coincidentally, they excavate at the precise location of an Insane Clown Posse concert. Thus, going forward, all notions of humans are based upon Juggalos, what with their beady eyes and their growth stunted by cigarette smoking and their 100% Y-chromosome possession rate offering a homoerotic undertone to the affair. It’s really a horrible thought, not the homosexual thing per se but more the overall situation.

There’s no debating that the Apocalypse will be occurring in the next 5 years. It is imperative that humanity acts swiftly to preserve its legacy. Do you want any of the following persons representing you?

This is why I’m proposing that we collectively round up the undesirables (Bobby Lee, Bill Belichick, that kid from the Mazda “Zoom, Zoom” commercials, etc.) and shove them into furnaces. These will need to be really high-temperature furnaces so that their bones disintegrate. If you are a materials engineer with experience in furnace design, please leave your email address below so that we can get in touch with you about getting this started. Also, if you know anything about web design get in touch too because a good web page is always a winning marketing tool. I would have Brian take care of that, but he can’t be trusted since we the people will have no choice but to dispose of his beloved body spray whore, Rachel Specter.