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3:14 PM: Welcome to the Caterpillar on my Porch Liveblog. I’m hoping to bring you some interesting facts, figures and stories as I document this important event of a giant caterpillar crawling across my porch.

3:15 PM: Okay, the caterpillar is approximately 17 inches from the center of the sliding glass door along the outer wall. He seems to be in quite a hurry – for a caterpillar! I don’t think NASCAR driver Tony Stewart need worry about this guy just yet!

3:16 PM: It looks like he’s made it another 3 inches. I actually don’t know that it’s a “he”, I’m just assuming. Truth be told, I need to look up how you sex a caterpillar. Tobacco Hornworm Moth caterpillars – now, they have a horn that protrudes off their butts. It isn’t a penis, but if a caterpillar penis looked similar, it would make it much easier to tell the difference.

3:17 PM: Do caterpillars have genders? It seems like insects are always humping, so I’d figure they do. But maybe they just sort of swap insect fluids with each other and both end up pregnant.

3:18 PM: The caterpillar is getting close to the center of the sliding glass door. If things don’t change, he’s gonna be off my porch in less than ten minutes!

3:18:30 PM: Hold on, he’s stopped to sort of move his head left and right. I wonder if he’s poisonous because he might have been looking at me in a slightly agitated manner.

3:19 PM: Okay, he’s moving again. Those yellow bands on his head are pretty flashy. I wonder if people kill them for their heads. I better call my mother and find out if she wants me to kill the caterpillar for her.

3:26 PM: Jesus, seven fucking mintues just to say no. She thinks it might be a luna moth caterpillar. All I know is this thing will turn into a moth that can carry off small rodents when it metamorphs. It’s that freaking big.

3:27 PM: If I were writing a show about a family of moths, I’d name one of them Chris Alis.

3:28 PM: He’s probably 3 minutes from the edge of the porch. I think I’ll name him Paul in honor of Paul Dirac, one of the most underappreciated mathematician/physicists of last century. Paul is an odd name for a Frenchman. Usually they purposely misspell English names just to make them look French, like Henri.

3:29 PM: The people in this neighborhood are such pieces of trash.

3:30 PM: Snack time to tide me over until this shit finishes up. I think I’ll go for my last Betty Crocker Warm Delight. That sounds dirty, but they’re actually pretty shitty. I just need to get rid of them ASAP.

3:34 PM: Well, that microwave is officially broken. I wonder if there’s anything in these that will harm you when raw.

3:34:30 PM: Okay, the caterpillar is missing. Let’s not panic!

3:35 PM: Found him. He’s in the rocks at the edge of the porch. He’s trying to dig in or something.

3:37 PM: Caterpillars can’t dig for shit. He’s making a total fucking mockery of the whole digging thing, and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit. A lot of persons and things have done a much better job of digging than you, Paul. You know, fuck you. I’m done with this.

3:38 PM: Time to hitch down to the gas station to buy some scratch-off tickets. See you next LiveBlog!