Catsandbeer.com

7:02 AM: Well I’ve awoken this morning to a terrible, terrible disappointment. Despite meterological assurances that the merciless fist of bitter summer would be pushed aside by the chastity belt of winter as Denver slept, I peer out my window to see leaf litter on a bare ground.

7:08 AM: Six minutes of intense concentration has not changed the situation. Looks like it’s six more weeks of summer. But, it’s probably my fault for wanting something so much. Time to go cut myself.

7:09 AM: Actually, I better eat some breakfast before I punish myself because I’ll need the energy to keep from passing out. Kelloggs Smart Start Antioxidants. Yummy!

7:18 AM: So, it turns out that Redstone is due south of Carbondale along 133. And Coal Basin is due west of Redstone. So that answers that. Chances I put my atlas back on the shelf: 0%.

7:27 AM: I know that black suit is supposed to be flattering, but you can still tell Hillary has a big ass.

7:45 AM: Only 4 hours, 15 minutes until lunchtime!

8:01 AM: The news has some reporter out on the south side of town where it’s snowing like a motherfucker. People on the south side of town don’t even like snow. I pray that the reporter is rendered infertile by chlamydia.

8:17 AM: Okay, interesting development. I’ve been sitting in the dark in my bathroom praying for death for myself and others. Anyway, crazy at it sounds, I swear I just heard a clap of thunder. Time to investigate.

8:18 AM: Success! It’s snowing and thundering at the same time.

8:19 AM: The snow falling appears to be graupel, a rounded particle that resembles tiny hail. However, graupel is not hail, rather it is a traditional snowflake that has accreted substantial amounts of supercooled water from the atmosphere until it becomes rounded. There are two practical implications to this graupel shower: 1) As the graupel sloughs off cliffed slopes, it will collect beneath the cliffs, increasing the likelihood of avalanches triggered from beneath those cliffs. 2) The low surface area of the graupel particles limits heat transfer, meaning that the snow is accumulating on the roads before it can melt. Yet again, the fucking meteorologists have lied to me with their promises of just wet roads.

8:26 AM: There’s nothing like a cold, snowy day to put on a sweater, curl up in front of a fire and spend the rest of the day organizing your pornography collection.

8:48 AM: I went skiing yesterday! It’s winter in the mountains too! Yesterday I skied, drove a car, ate pancakes and watched episode 11 of The Wire Season 1. Only in Colorado!

9:07 AM: What’s the deal with cross dressers? No….too edgy. Gotta work clean.

9:14 AM: What’s the deal with hamburgers? I mean, they don’t even have ham in them! There’s no way in hell someone hasn’t done that bit before. Fuck.

9:24 AM: Interesting fact, snowfall in Denver has no correlation with the snowfall in the mountains. In fact, the heaviest snowstorms in Denver often produce little to no snow in the mountains west of town. I know you don’t believe me because every time it snows during a Broncos game, you all start booking ski trips to Colorado. That’s why I hope you all die, preferably of something in your GI tract.

9:38 AM: Stephen Colbert is killing on Meet the Press.

9:45 AM: Stephen Colbert is no longer killing on Meet the Press. Twice as long as it should’ve been.

9:47 AM: What’s the deal with tires? If I tire, I’m worn out. Why would I want something worn out on my vehicle? Who came up with calling them tires? I mean, who are these people?

9:48 AM: That shit is off the hook! I swear to God if Carlos Mencia steals that bit from me, I will thump some fucking skulls!

9:57 AM: Interesting fact, if you stand on your head for too long, all of the blood will drain from your testicles, causing them to turn black and die. However, if you do a headstand with a boner, it will keep enough blood in that region to keep your balls alive for an extra ten minutes.

10:11 AM: Did 2 Live Crew do that “me so horny” song back when? Brian should put that on his list. Or maybe he did. Reading comprehension has never been my strong suit.

10:17 AM: Some say that the internet has isolated many from normal social interactions. Whoever came up with that has obviously never been to a university computer lab or internet café. There you can interact with imaginary friends while completely ignoring the hundreds of people around you.

10:30 AM: WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!!! Seriously, we have to protect my house. Fucking scrambles are taking advantage of the delayed police response times caused by the snow to invade my domicile. Scrambles!