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Come on down to Golden this year, where the west lives! We’re looking to make this the most exciting year in Golden’s history so don’t miss any of these fun events! But please no homosexuals; we have no use for your retroviruses or amphetamines. Burn in hell, you degenerates!

January 1: New Years Broncos Trivia Challenge Blood Drive Slam

A Golden New Years tradition! All citizens are required to donate blood. While you are bled, answer Broncos-related questions for prizes. All answers must be delivered in the form of a freestyle rap that ends in the correct answer. Blood donations are saved for triage during the annual Golden-Green Mountain baseball game. $47 processing fee. All ages.

January 3: Q1 Gotterdammerung for Dummies

Mandatory attendance for all residents. Running shoes available for rent. $30 fee for building supplies. All ages.

January 10: Scoliosis Exams

All citizens must receive a clean bill of spinal health. Exams are held in the Coors Brewery Parking Lot. $15 processing fee. All ages.

January 13: Golden Hot or Not Competition

Men, this is your chance to decide whether the ladies of Golden are hot or not! Every woman will be judged on an absolute scale to decide whether they’re hot - or not! Any male whose votes are found to differ by more than a standard deviation from the average will be fined $250 and required to perform 40 hours of community service. No mercy voting for elderly women or flat-chested women! Free, all ages.

January 17: Hernia Exams

All citizens must demonstrate that their intestinal walls are intact. Exams are held in the Coors Brewery Parking Lot. $25 processing fee. All ages.

January Fun Fact: Ever wonder what Israel would be like if the Arabs had succeeded in the 1948, 1967 or 1973 wars? Visit the 1100 block of Cheyenne street, 100% Arab! No Jews allowed!

February 1 – March 30: Buffalo Bill’s Crepe Rape Follies

Every weekend in February and March, come see a revival of Buffalo Bill’s least famous traveling show. This fantastic musical revue tells the story of America’s systematic terrorization and murder of French men and women who refused to leave the Louisiana Purchase. Children are not admitted to the 10PM show, which features simulated anal sex and non-simulated masturbation. Tickets $20 at the door. All ages.

February 4: Golden Honors Festival – Spike Feresten

Golden pays homage to a low-grade celebrity it hopes it can get to attend the festival. This year’s honoree is Spike Feresten, an obscure television host of a Fox Network late night talk show that copies David Letterman’s idiomatic style point-by-point without any hint of irony. It is recommended that you send only one representative with a cell phone from your family to see if Spike shows up since tickets are non-refundable. $30 tickets. All ages.

February 18: Parkour Exams

All citizens are required to demonstrate basic parkour proficiency. Exams are held at the Colorado Mills Mall. $8 processing fee. All ages.

February 18: Golden City Council Special Session

All citizens are urged to attend and participate in this special legislative session to consider an extension to the lapsing 5-year moratorium on usage of the word “wigger” during normal Golden City Council sessions. Free, all ages.

February Fun Fact: Golden has 23.5 convicted sex offenders per 1000 citizens, the greatest population density in the nation!

March 8: Denver Broncos Pre-Draft BMX Rally Slam

Get pumped up for the impending early-April NFL draft with this family-friendly event! Watch your favorite Broncos practice squad and special teams players compete in a closed-loop BMX race while the top ten finishers in the South Bronx Playa Playa Dookie Slamzilla provide the beats and freestyle lyrics to keep the racers moving! Jay Cutler and Champ Bailey will be stopping by between 1 and 2PM to sign autographs and glare condescendingly at attendees. $10 entrance fee. All ages.

March 15: Ides of March Owen Hart Death Reenactment

Golden honors its favorite professional wrestler by reliving his death with incredible detail. Vince McMahon will be played by Golden High graduate Eric Strothers and Shane McMahon will be played by Academy Award-Winner Kevin Spacey. Audience participation is encouraged! $15 admission. All ages.

March 21: Spring Fling

Golden’s official celebration of the spring equinox. Come to downtown Golden and fling stuff! Small dogs, frisbees, decorative posters – if you can lift it, then fling it! Face painting and tackle football for the kids. $5 for an “Official Flinger” admission bracelet. All ages.

March 27: Fuck for a Buck

Earn money the old-fashioned way, by fucking for it! Always a Golden favorite, accept cash in exchange for sexual acts no matter how degrading. This is a great way to teach your child the value of a dollar and the satisfaction of a hard day’s work! But, statutory age limits will be enforced so bring an ID. Free admission, all ages.

March Fun Fact: In 1919, then Assistant Secretary of the Navy Franklin Delano Roosevelt called Golden Mayor Charles Gardner a Nazi much to the confusion of everyone in attendance at that year’s Spring Fling.

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