and, more importantly, can he bring traffic to my website? Presently, I can (briefly) (sort of) answer the first question; the second one, I cannot … yet. More on that later, but for now let’s (appropriately) handle first things first:

Who is Ron Paul?

presidential candidate Ron Paul

Ron Paul is a US congressman from Texas running for President of the United States of America; he is seeking the Republican Party’s nomination. He also looks a little bit like the late, great chicken restaurateur Frank Perdue.

chicken man Frank Perdue

Ron Paul, like a number of the other so-called "third-tier candidates" on both the Republican and Democratic sides, is polling in the low single digits (or, as in the case of the most recent USA Today/Gallup poll, the zero digits) when it comes to national support for his campaign.

I gather he’s kind of nutty, and kind of funny, but no more so than Dennis Kucinich and almost certainly less so than Mike Gravel, two other candidates with similar or slightly better (read: ‘still brutally awful’) numbers about whom I have never thought to write anything except at this very moment, in this very sentence, and only now in the context that I had not heretofore considered them thusly.

the competition

So why write about this also-ran with few supporters instead of about any number of other also-rans with few supporters? Because this also-ran’s supporters are fucking crazy.

Ron Paul wins big!

OK, ‘crazy’ isn’t the right word (it’s just fun to write), but Paulites are irrefutably a wacky bunch.

Ron Paul is tops!

What the hell?

The previous graphs – but two plucked from countless others of their kind – are the handiwork of Ron Paul’s supporters: they represent the tallied online responses to poll questions regarding Republican primary candidates and they demonstrate an overwhelming support of and preference for Mr. Paul.

"But didn’t you just write that Ron Paul has zero percent of the American public’s support?"

Indeed I did, but I also failed to mention this important caveat: that that zero percent spends one-hundred percent of its collective time online trying to make it look like its candidate is more popular than he actually is.

(sandra) oh!

If there’s an MSNBC vote, Paul supporters will be out e-stuffing the ballot e-boxes. If Pajama Media (the fuck?) is conducting a straw poll, Ron fans will be there feverishly grasping at those straws. And if CNN decides to investigate YouTube penetration


YouTube has been so thoroughly Paul-penetrated it feels patently unclean.

a different kind of unclean on YouTube

Now I’m all for fucking around online, but with these guys it’s like a sickness: one can hardly go onto any reader-participatory political blog, news site, or anywhere else even tangentially related to anything even tangentially related to Ron Paul without the content quickly devolving into five guys with fifty screen names each pimping Ron Paul like he has seven holes.

Dolemite and some fine ladies

And I guess all that is fine, but the part that just comes off as absurdly silly is that Paul’s soldiers tout his e-stats as if they actually MEAN anything.

Check out how Ron stacks up against the other Republican candidates in these "Key Stats" taken from the Ron Paul wiki:

  • #1 in MySpace friends at 48,806
  • #1 in YouTube subscriptions at 22,011.
  • #1 at Meetup at 581 groups
  • #1 in Technorati search terms since May 9, 2007 Search for “Ron Paul” to vote in this poll!
  • #2 in Eventful demands, less than 4,800 more demands to hit #1 Demand Dr. Paul right now!
  • #4 at Facebook 7% of the vote. Just 709 votes to hit #3 (#2 on Republican ticket, 3,359 more to hit #1)

Wow, Ron Paul has 48,806 MySpace "friends" – not too shabby. But, then again, do you know who has 1,982,925 MySpace friends?

This whore:

Tila Tequila pwns Ron Paul

If I wanted to vote for an Internet President, I would have last election.

Candidate Zero

So why devote the better part of my evening writing about a candidate that has no chance? Well that brings us (back) to my original second question …

Can Ron Paul bring traffic to my website?

I sure hope so.

Look, I have nothing against Ron Paul, and I get why some folks are chomping at the bit to canonize the man. Some of Paul’s (non-racist) ideas and the passion with which he espouses them are fun and sound appealing in the way a person telling you there is a dead simple method to drop fifteen pounds will pique your interest until you find out it involves losing a leg.

The truth is out there

But I’m not writing about Ron Paul because I do/not like the man, I’m writing about him because I hope it brings readers to my website.

You see, Keith and I have been typing out silly little things for a few months now, but I think only like ten people (MAX) ever read them. So I figured I’d dip into something topical and at the same time pose a friendly challenge to the Ron Paul faithful out there.


So Ron Paul Revolutionaries, how about it? Let’s see what you’ve got. Because if you can’t mobilize to drop a comment or fifty on some random guy’s blog, then no quantity of ’10’ ratings on or whatever will save Rep. Paul’s candidacy from ending up Really Simply Screwed (RSS).