Denver: Investment Opportunities Abound

Brian,

I was asked to pass this along to our readers …

Toodles,

Keith

Official Press Release
from Spokesman for Emperor Constantinus, Benjamin Gookin
Denver, CO – August 3, 2007

As you may or may not be aware, the state of Colorado recently replaced its representative government with a divinely-appointed emperor. Lamentably, our exalted leader was almost immediately assassinated by an agent acting on behalf of a rival fascistic element whose ideas ran counter to the emperor’s. Luckily, before his martyrdom, the emperor passed an important decree that will mean big business for the savvy investor as soon as a successor to the throne is named: going forward, the practice of abortion is illegal in Colorado. Here’s how you can benefit from the new policy changes in our great state.

1. The Black Market

Now that abortions are illegal, anyone with a back alley can become a businessperson! The initial startup costs are high, but they’ll pay off in no time at all. The eastern portion of the Denver metro is Crystal Meth City and the campus of CU-Boulder is the biggest date rape hub between LA and St. Louis, so the abortion black market is there! To start your own black market abortion business, you’ll want a vacuum cleaner with a hose attachment, a crate of personal lubricant and a box of tissues. For the vacuum, I’d recommend an Oreck XL because I like David Oreck. He seems like a nice guy who stands behind his product (no joking – it’s a vacuum so there isn’t much choice!!!). You might also want a physically-imposing doorman to make your clients understand the repercussions of ratting out your secret business.

2. Shoddy Products

Of course, when you ban abortions, you also have to stop doing business with abortion-friendly governments. It’s safe to say that China, where you can’t walk down the street without stepping in an abortion, won’t be importing into Colorado any longer! So if you have the capability of producing cheap plastic junk, it’s time to step into this burgeoning marketplace. The most urgent needs for Colorado currently are pesticide-laced pet foods and lead-contaminated toys, especially those aimed at ages 5 and younger.

3. Equal Protections

The abolition of abortion is part of a broader legal concept afforded to non-representative governments called non habeus merda, loosely translating to “you don’t have excrement (shit).” This writ allows the Colorado government to suspend all equal protections that have been ascribed to the 14th amendment. Translation: cheap labor! Minimum wage is out the window in Colorado so you can pay your employees whatever you want – hell, you don’t even have to pay them at all! Just don’t call them slaves because slavery is still forbidden by the 13th amendment and possibly the Book of Exodus. And women, say goodbye to maternity leave and sexual harassment laws! The time is now to start that business you’ve been dreaming of!!!!

4. Ghostbusting

Colorado is completely overrun with ghosts and other paranormal scaries these days. Our new government suspects them to be the souls of aborted fetuses condemned to roam the windswept plains and cleaved mountain ranges of this great state. If you happen to have the proper equipment to round up these spookies and release them in Massachusetts, Colorado will award you a no-bid contract. They can’t seem to get enough abortion in Massachusetts, let them deal with all these fucking poltergeists.