Ed. Note – Catsandbeer.com recruited Denver-area rapper (?) and entrepreneur Three Dolla Billy aka 3DB to report on the important goings-on in his area. Unfortunately, he pawned the camera we gave him for cash so he doesn’t actually have any photo documentation of any of this. Having sunk in $200 for the camera plus $37 in cash to get him to write this report, we feel no choice but to publish it with stock and file photos – kind of a principles thing. Please don’t ask us to make sense of it; we don’t have a fucking clue either.
Yeah, okay. My homo Keith sez dat I should write bout my bizness dealings at da [Democratic National] Convention dat we just had in Denva cuz he wuz outta town and couldn’t be there ta report on it. I wuz excited fo da convention cuz me and Uncle Chucky wuz gonna make lots of moneys having da buttsex with all da homos dat wuz coming here to vote or some shit like dat. But it turned out ta be a big disappointment cuz we didn’t make lots mo moneys and I’m probably gonna have to whup sum ass at da Denva Chamba of Commerce fo mischaracterizin’ da net economic impact upon cash-based entaprises like my buttsex bizness. Okay, so I tell y’all bout what happened during da convention.
Day 1
Aight, dis a drawin’ of my roommate Paco who don’t want his picture drawn and he wit a dog dat is dead now cuz one day I bet El Guapo dat he couldn’t do a wheelie on his moped and den he ran ova da dog.
Yeah, okay. Y’all probably know dat mos mornings, me and Marky start off eating French toast sticks outta da garbage at Burga King in Golden den go sell stolen cat food to old ladies ova in Lakewood. But cuzza da convention I decided dat me and Chucky should head down ta Denva so dat we could start roundin’ up bizness early.
Now Chucky ain’t used ta being up at dat time of da morning cuz his diabetic coma don’t usually wear off til noon or so, and he been real bitchy since he got dat abscess on his foot and Marky cut it out wit a pocketknife, so he wuz suhprised ta see me dis early in da morning. So Chucky’s screamin’ a lot and keep fallin’ outta his wheelchair and da RTD bus driva sez dat we need to get off da bus if I can’t keep Chucky unda control. So I whup Chucky’s ass til he shut da fuck up den we take da bus down ta Speer.
Aight, so we get down there and my worst fears wuz realized cuz Hernando had beat us down there and wuz tellin’ all da dudes dat he do mo betta buttsex den I do. So I have ta start my day by whuppin’ his ass and tellin’ him dat he betta not come down ta da convention no mo cuz I got a monopoly on da downtown buttsex trade. Den he start feedin’ me sum shit bout how he tengo da libertad de concurrencia libre and I tell him dat he can va de excursion al Federale or thereabouts cuz me an Chucky had da downtown locked down.
Yeah, so Hernando go and me and Chucky have a good day doin’ lots of licky spurts and rapey creams. And Chucky was real happy cuz I found him half a meatball marinara sub in da trash ta eat so he didn’t even complain much when da dude who went ta Princeton peed on him. I told dat dude dat Princeton wuzn’t shit cuz I went ta Cornell and they much betta fo studyin’ da public policies. Okay, so yeah there wuz lots of dudes in bizness suits who paid da moneys fo da buttsex and then they liked it and I liked it cuz we made da moneys.
Okay, so dat night I drop Chucky off in a good alley and go back ta Golden to sleep. So I get home and den da phone ring. So Paco answer da phone and tell me dat its Marky but he ain’t gonna let me use da phone unless I pay him da moneys fo 17 monfs of back rent. But I tell Paco dat I gonna have him and Miguel deported back ta Mexico if he don’t give me da phone, so he do. Aight, den Marky is on da phone cussin’ me out cuz I didn’t tell him dat I wuzn’t gonna sell cat food wit him back in da morning. So I sez ta him dat this a good opportunity fo him ta work on his own sales acumen and not rely on me ta make him da money dat he needs ta go out and buy mo painkillas and heroin. So he sez dat I should fuck off and den I go ta bed.
Day 2
Okay, dis iz Marky and Chucky hangin’ out behind da Arbys cuz dey pals. Chucky iz lookin’ pretty pissed there cuz he can’t reach down ta get da Beef ‘n Chedda or Jamocha shake and Marky too bizy ta help him.
Yeah, okay. So I’m walking down Colfax ta go pick up Chucky and I see da po-po rollin’ sum homo up so I go ova there ta watch it and laugh. But when I get ova there, I see dat they takin’ down Marky wit a choke hold. So I aks da otha cop what Marky done and da cop sez dat Marky just robbed sum dude at knifepoint fo his moneys. Aight, and ta make mattas worse, da cops is confiscatin’ our cat food as stolen contraband or sum shit like dat. So I tell Marky dat he a stupid homo and he owe me back da moneys fo da product dat he just lost, but he tell me ta fuck off so I tell him dat I whup his ass when he get out. Den da cop aks me if I know about da stolen cat food so I tell him dat I don’t know nuffin’ bout dat and run away down Union Blvd.
Aight, so now I’m late and y’all homos know dat time is money. So, ta make up for lost time I have ta severely cut short my morning beating of Chucky which probably mean dat he won’t be on his game. So we get back downtown and I send Chucky off around da corna where sum dudes from Iowa pay da moneys ta watch Chucky take a dump into a Safeway bag. Den I go into Starbucks and steal a couple coffees off da counta so dat me an Hernando can have sumthing ta drink while we discuss who do da betta buttsex.
Aight, so we drinkin’ our Starbucks when sum dude wit a beard and a pony tail and glasses and sandals come up ta us and say dat Starbucks is corporate bullshit and dat we shouldn’t be supportin’ dat stuff. So I sez ta him dat given da generally corrupt governments in coffee growin’ regions of da world, there’s no way ta actually prove da supply chain continuity of so-called fair trade coffee and more den likely da coffee dat he drinkin’ is probably da exact same shit grown by broke-ass, subjugated homos dat Starbucks is buyin’. And he ain’t got nuffin’ ta say bout dat so den he pays me da moneys fo 3 lickey rapes, a spurty cream and 2 googly sucks.
Aight, den afta bout 6PM, Chucky starts vomitin’ blood again and all da dudes say dat they can’t get hard when he doin’ dat, so I have ta take him home and beat him extra hard fo all da money dat he jus cost me. Also I’m mad cuz sum dude from da Democratic National thing sez he gonna pay me eight thousand dollas if he and his buddies can hire Chucky fo da entire morning ta take turns strangling him and jerkin’ off on his face. So dat mean I gotta kill an entire morning by myself and dat shit is boring.
Day 3
Yeah, dis Hernando and Bag Lady Edna watchin’ da kids feed da ducks at da pond in da park while Edna take a dump. I’m pissed off cuz she wipin’ wit da McDonalds hamburga wrappa dat I wuz gonna give Chucky ta lick off da ketchup fo a snack.
Yeah, okay. So I drop Chucky off at da hotel and tell da dude dat rented him dat if they kill Chucky den they owe me $50,000 ta make up fo lost wages. Den I head ova toward Broadway to see if I can find Hernando and whup his ass or sumthing. But today, Hernando got Bag Lady Edna ta hold his fur coat fo him while he do spurty dongs, so I know dat I’m outnumba’d in dat fight. So instead we all go and pick food outta da trash at Arby’s. But I’m still bored afta dat and ain’t no political homos around due ta sum organizational shit so I head back ova ta Lakewood ta watch da Price is Right wit Retard Dickie.
Aight, so like usual, Dickie is at da corna of Pierce and 20th watchin’ on his handheld TV. So I aks him if he want ta come downtown wit me so dat we can watch da show while I make da moneys. He don’t know nuffin’ bout dat, so I take him on da bus and we go back down ta Speer. Okay, so da thing wit Dickie is dat you can’t let him outta ya sight or he get hit by a car so wheneva dudes wanted buttsex I had to take him in da alley wit me. But dat’s okay cuz da deluxe $25 DNC special (5 spurty licks, 2 rapey dongs, 3 dongy spurts, 8 googly spoogs and 1 rapey cream) was popula, so I had lots of time ta watch wit him while doing da rapings. I told Dickie dat da black dude wuz stupid ta bet on da second showcase cuz da ones wit da portable campas is always impossible to guess right whereas da Carribean cruises is always bout da same price. Den Dickie ain’t got nuffin’ ta say bout dat.
Okay, so I left Retard Dickie in da alley when I had ta go pick up Chucky and I guess Dickie’s parents musta called da cops when they found out he wuz gone cuz when I got back I got rolled up. But when we got ta da station, Dickie’s parents didn’t press no charges cuz dey know me from da time dat me and Marky saw Dickie watchin’ TV out in da rain so I took him down ta da Arby’s on Colfax ta dry out and den I took $4 outta his pocket to buy myself a Big Montana and a jamocha shake. Dat’s also da time dat Marky OD’ed on vicodin in da bafroom. Aight, so I got outta jail and I wuz mad cuz dey ain’t served dinner ta me beforehand. Also when I got back to da alley I saw dat Chucky had fallen outta his wheelchair and had a seizure, so he wuzn’t making da moneys either. So again, I lost lotsa moneys and wuz pissed off and didn’t like dat.
Day 4
Aight, here Retard Dickie watchin’ da televisions at da corna of Pierce and 20th. Dis wuz drawn at 10AM, so he probably watchin’ Texas Justice and he like dat.
Okay, dis wuz da last day of da convention and I felt dat I needed ta make up fo lots of lost opportunities. I figured dat if I could find five or six famous politics dudes ta shit in Chucky’s mouth, I’d pretty much break even. Also, wit da recent Yuan and Euro contracts dat I had shorted comin’ due and da anticipated gains in da value of da dolla, I figured dat those investments would allow me ta come out slightly ahead fo da week. So I wheel Chucky down to da Convention Centa and went up da steps to yell dat we wuz ready to do some rapings but den da police grabbed me and Chucky and put us in a cage out in sum parkin’ lot.
They said dat dis wuz a free speech zone and we could say anything we wanted there. But da cage was also filled wit lotsa dudes wearin’ bandannas on they faces. I aksed dem if they wuz homo thugs too and they got mad at dat. Den Chucky shit himself and it started leaking through da seat of his sweatpants and out da bottom of his wheelchair. I started ta beat Chucky fo wastin’ a perfectly good shit and ruinin’ da sweatpants dat Paco just washed 3 weeks ago. But den sum girl wit dreadlocks come ova and tell me dat violence ain’t da answer and sumthing bout killing women and children in Iraq. So I sez ta her dat jus cuz she a girl don’t mean I won’t do spurty sucks or googly rapes wit her fo da moneys as long as she pay a 15% surcharge for being a girl. Den she called me a pig and don’t give me da moneys so me and Chucky leave.
Aight, so me and Chucky go walking up da block and we pass a movie theater and Chucky say dat he need ta pee so I pull his pants down and let him pee on da sidewalk. But he can’t lean off ta da side of his chair ta pee cuz den he always go spastic and fall out, so I gotta hold his dong off ta da side while he go so dat he don’t piss himself. So den I’m standin’ there wit Chucky’s dong and I’m lookin’ at one of da postas outside da theater fo dat movie Death Race and I like it and start doing da touchings den a cop come and arrest me and Chucky fo doin’ lewd acts in public. And dat wuz how my visit ta da convention ended.
Conclusion
Okay, da Democratic Convention sucked cuz we didn’t make lots of moneys. In da 4 days we wuz downtown, me and Chucky only brought in $47,293. Dats off from median August rape sales by 9.3%. I can only conclude from dat data dat da demographics of Democratic voters is non-compatible with cash-based buttsex biznesses. Also, they have too many women in they party and should work harder to find mo dudes with da moneys who like da rapings. Now, if da treasury lending rates recova within da next 18 monfs and there’s another Democrat convention in town, I expect dat I can make mo money den dis time. Also, if I begin accepting credit card payments den I probably get mo buttsex customas cuz most of da homos in town wuzn’t carryin’ much cash. At least dat’s what Slick Ricardo told me cuz he stole lots of they wallets.
In conclusion, even though I didn’t make the moneys and I hate da homos who came ta Denva fo dat, I ain’t gonna fret bout it cuz I can use this experience to learn from and do betta bizness next time I go downtown. And Professor Thomas said dat’s da most important thing bout bizness is flexibility and not constrainin’ yaself ta da classical canons and modalities of supply and demand based economics . Yeah, okay.
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