And I mean fucking LOVE. When these songs come on, White People look at each other and say "Awwww yeah" or "Hell yeah" and are compelled to sing along. Sometimes there’s also a corresponding stupid dance move.

Having studied White People for 27 28 29 30 years, my authority on the topic is absolute; this list is damn near bullet proof.

The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love

10. Positive K – I Got A Man

White People’s most beloved rap duet.

White Girls in particular love this song because it gives them a chance to playfully reject a male suitor’s advances on the dance floor before blowing him at the end of the night. It’s empowering.

9. Digital Underground – The Humpty Dance

Humpty Hump was rap music’s greatest alter ego and actually a good MC but all White People know (and love) him for is "I like my oatmeal lumpy," and "Burger King bathroom."

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Fucking White People.

8. Biz Markie – Just A Friend

Oh my god do White People love this song. Particularly frat boys. Why? I don’t know.

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Unlike most of his peers on this list, the Biz is a guy long deep in the hip hop scene with lots of cred, yet to White People he’ll only ever be that fat funny-looking black guy with the wig who sings bad.

7. Young MC – Bust A Move

I believe there is a law that requires this song be played at every Rock n’ Bowl.

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Like that the police shut down the bowling alley if it doesn’t comply.

6. Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock – It Takes Two

Knowing the words up to "I get stupid, I mean outrageous" is standard and unremarkable.

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Knowing everything up through the hook means you’ll be frenching at 80s Night.

5. Naughty By Nature – Hip Hop Hooray

Before he was shooting porn and marrying/divorcing Pepa (a near miss on this list herself), Treach was teaching White People the world over how to wave their arms from side to side above their heads while singing nursery rhymes.

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Hip Hop Hooray is not only a great way to melodically celebrate life, it’s something to buy airbrushed on a T-shirt when you’re at the beach for a week on your summer vacation to show that you’re down.

4. Tag Team – Whoomp (There It Is)

Man, what was the fucking story about this song and the other one that came out at exactly the same time by, I believe, 95 South called "Whoot There It Is?" Somebody fucked somebody else over big time there.

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The weird thing about this song – ubiquitous and beloved by Wisconsin grandmothers that it is – is that its lyrics contain the words "motherfucking," "nigga," "shit," and references to smoking dank. Crazy!

I remember watching The Box video network (where I learned everything I know about Black People) and seeing Tag Team’s follow-ups to this one: "Whoomp (Si Lo Es)" and "Addam’s Family Whoomp." I’m not kidding.

3. Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby

This one song on the list that White People pretend to only like ironically. Don’t be fooled: deep down White People still think Ice is 110% gangsta.

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I remember back in the day "battling" another sixth grader at the ice skating rink in who could rap the first verse of this song the fastest. The kid was Asian, so I won.

2. House of Pain – Jump Around

White People will never be completely comfortable with Black Music so anytime they’re given the opportunity to like a song by one of their own race they go fucking overboard (see this record and all five thousand Eminem songs).

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If you’ve ever seen Black People comedy, you’ll be familiar with the notion that White People have no rhythm and can’t dance. This is true. That’s why they will embrace with both honky arms any song that makes it OK for them to not actually dance during it or that tells them exactly what to do and when to do it.

If you go to a club and this fucking song comes on all the White People will literally jump around. I fucking promise you.

1. Sir Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back

Go to a karaoke bar – get the song list – check the rap section – if there’s only one song, this is the song – every fucking time, this is the song.

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This, like a number of the other rap songs White People love, features prominently sexual themes addressed in a humorous fashion. I think it’s White People’s inherent prudish squareness that makes them get all giddy about "naughty" rapper songs.

Honorable Mention

In no particular alphabetical order:

OK, that’s my list. Let me know me yours, what I left off, and where I fucked up.

Update 1

White People: let your nasally voices be heard – vote!

Which White People-beloved rap song MOST deserved a top 10 ranking?

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Update 2

The Black People have spoken! (at least one of them has)

Once you’re done here, be sure to check out The Top 10 Rock Songs Black People Love, A Post Written By A Black Person.

Update 3

All right, all right – everybody’s a critic – that’s cool – but answer me this:

Which White People-beloved rap song LEAST deserved its top 10 ranking?

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