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For whatever reason, there’s been a lot of talk about public bathroom foot-tapping and gay sex in the media lately. Most of it seems highly negative and this is upsetting to me because I am a long-time public bathroom foot-tapper. For the record, the overwhelming majority of us foot-tappers aren’t attempting to solicit some sexual act the exact nature of which eludes me and arouses a purely scientific curiosity as to what it is. Rather, we’re doing something as wholesome as petting our kitties:

Air drumming!

That’s right! Why the briefcase in front of the stall door? Well, you can’t have a fake drum kit without a kick drum! And all the foot-tapping? Well, my right foot is on the kick drum pedal and my left foot is working the high hat! Lord knows there aren’t enough minutes in the day to practice air-drumming, so why not make the most of the free time you get during your daily (quadra-daily for some of you) constitutional?

Now, if you’re new to drumming, it’s a pretty tough skill to pick up. Practice is essential. The big thing that separates drumming from other musical disciplines is the need to independently control the motions of both feet and hands. And to top it off, you’ll be working your mouth too because you’ll want to yell out things like “Yeah!” and “Fuck yeah!” to your pretend bandmates who are rocking out every bit as hard as you are. To help guide you in your development, here are some good songs to practice air-drumming to, in order of increasing difficulty.

Beginner: For Those About to Rock (We Salute You), AC/DC

This is perhaps the finest novice air-drumming song ever written. It has an insanely high ass-kicking to tempo ratio which is good because as a beginner, you’ll need a slow tempo to learn the independent control of hands and feet. Best of all, you can scream “Fire!” during the 21-gun-salute part to mask the noise of your bowel movement if you’re one of those types who takes extremely noisy, grunting dumps.

Other Beginner Songs: anything by Aerosmith – their drummer sucks.

Intermediate: D’You Know What I Mean?, Oasis

Here’s a great tune that would actually be pretty bland without its drum line (see every other Oasis song ever written). This is a slightly more difficult endeavour (Welcome to our readers in Canada, Britain, and former British colonies worldwide!) due to the more demanding interplay between the snare and high hat. Best of all, during the intro, the drumming is extremely simple so you’ll be able to sing that weird backward tape thing that sounds like a guy saying “Fuck me.” Just be sure to then sing the rest because unfortunately that aforementioned handful of degenerates has made foot-tapping and saying “Fuck me” in a public restroom some sort of lewd and lascivious act.

Other Intermediate Songs: Loser, Beck; Tremor Christ, Pearl Jam

Advanced: Eleven, Primus

You must be getting pretty good at those air drums if you’re thinking about tackling a Tim Alexander drum line! You’re going to need to expand your air kit quite a bit to include some of the interesting toms and cymbals employed here. Not only does the song have a complex intro, but the body of the song is in a strange time signature that will definitely push your rhythm skills to the extreme. When you’re done drumming, take the time to ponder the enigmatic song title of this ditty about non-conformity while wiping your ass.

Other Advanced Songs: X-Static, Foo Fighters; So Close, Alice In Chains

Expert: Geek USA, Smashing Pumpkins

The piece de resistance – a drum line so complex that the stress of recording it drove drummer Jimmy Chamberlain to disappear on a heroin binge among Atlanta’s finest flophouses. His bandmates thought he was dead, LOL!! Fast, complex and obnoxiously aggressive (in the best way possible), you don’t have a fucking chance in the world of getting this drum line right. Instead, just flail your entire body around like crazy and try not to drop your Ipod in the toilet, now brimming with your rancid, Chipotle-fueled offal. Seriously, if you’re out of school and have a few bucks in your pocket, you don’t have to eat Chipotle 5 times a week. Try mixing in a salad, fruits or beans into your diet. The fiber will help you regulate your irritable bowel syndrome. 50 million Americans plus YOU suffer from IBS, the other 250 million just haven’t been told that they do yet – click here for more information.

Other Expert songs: Hooker with a Penis, Tool; Cash Car Star, Smashing Pumpkins