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This is one seriously funny movie.

I know many jokes were scripted, but there’s no way Lucas and Spielberg were going for the type/volume of laughs they’ve achieved.

It’s not The Avengers. It’s not Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. But it’s close.

Damn close.

This Movie Is Silly

It’s goofy. It’s corny. It’s so damn camp that upon completion it must have instantly become John Waters’ all-time favorite film. And at a budget reportedly as high as $185 million it is undoubtedly the most expensive b-movie ever made.

Where Even To Begin?

If this movie actually cost $185 million, 184 of those millions had to be spent on Harrison’s fee and the crazy CGI stuff at the end. Rarely has so much of such a ridiculously expensive movie looked so incredibly cheap.

Half the scenes are shot on shitty soundstages. Background trees are made of rubber and for that matter so is the giant snake that Indy 2 uses to pull his mom and Indy 1 out of a sand pit.

And oh yeah

THE CRYSTAL SKULL IS PLASTIC

The Crystal Skull Is Plastic

Now you know the reason Paramount is desperately fighting to keep photos of the thing off the Internet.

The crazy part is that the skull actually looks better in the leaked photo than it does in 90% of its time on camera

and it still looks like a giant Hershey’s Kiss crammed into some weird plastic box.

It would be a really bad prop even if it were only an incidental one, but you can’t name your movie after something you’d pick up and then put back on the shelf at a Target 50% off post-Halloween sale. Well, you can, but you shouldn’t.

For $185 million they should have been able to get an actual alien skull or at least carved one out of diamonds.

The Cast

I know Shia LaBeouf is the hot new actor who’s in everything but before seeing this movie I didn’t really know who he was and I really didn’t know how to spell his name. Now I know both, although I can’t say if I think he’s any good based on his role here as unfortunately named greaser Mutt Williams.

What I can say is that Mutt is the role Brendan Fraser was born 10 years too late to play. And I’m not just saying that because the character ends up Tarzan-swinging through the jungle with a band of pompadoured monkeys, but it does.

Cate Blanchett plays Boris and Natasha villainess Colonel something or other.

And while there are plenty of prairie dogs in this movie, there are sadly no moose and squirrel.

The ancient Aztecs or whatever they are look like the natives from the "Danger Island" serial on the Banana Splits Show.

Throw in the alien from American Dad and you’ve pretty much got Indy 4’s third act covered.

And

LaBeouf takes (at least) a half dozen crotch shots from vines and branches as he straddles military jeeps racing through the jungle while sword fighting Blanchett

and

A moving eye in a skull watches Indy and the gang moving-eyes-in-a-painting-in-a-Scooby-Doo-cartoon style as they walk through a dark tunnel

and

Indy and Mutt ride a motorcycle through the campus library

and

The poetic, prophetic ramblings of a mad man can only be deciphered through repeated, rhythmic, nursery rhyme recitation

and

There’s an alien autopsy (not hosted by Jonathan Frakes) that looks worse than Fox’s Alien Autopsy (hosted by Jonathan Frakes)

and

And and and … I just don’t know.

Here’s another Shark Attack video because I love them so much: