Seriously,

Tori Spelling looking hideous

what the fuck happened

Tori Spelling looking busted

to Tori Spelling’s face?

Tori Spelling looking terrible

Introduction

I’ve done a bit of preliminary research, and as you will see from these Google News searches I have confirmed that Tori Spelling HAS NOT recently:

which begs the question

What the fuck happened to Tori Spelling’s face?

Devil in a blue dress

What We Know

I recently discovered the reality program Tori and Dean: Inn Love which ostensibly shows what happens when two famous people give up their go-go Hollywood lifestyles to run a bed and breakfast somewhere near, I don’t know, Pasadena.


just shoot me, please

The first and only most glaring problem with this premise is that Tori and Dean are not two famous people. Tori, I’ll grant you, is famous; she’s pretty much the human embodiment of D-List. But Dean, Dean McDermott is most definitely not famous since, as the old saying goes, "if your name is Dean and you’re not

  • 90s heartthrob/Superman Dean Cain,
  • Suspense novelist Dean Koontz,
  • College Basketball Hall of Fame coach Dean Smith,
  • (the corpse of) legendary Rat Pack member Dean Martin,
  • (t.c.o.) Major League Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher Dizzy Dean,
  • (t.c.o.) 50s heartthrob James Dean,
  • (t.c.o.) sausage entrepreneur Jimmy Dean,
  • Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean,
  • Recent Atlantic Basin storm system Hurricane Dean,
  • Upscale grocery store chain Dean & DeLuca co-founder Joel Dean,
  • Felon/Nixon White House counsel John Dean
  • or this guy:

Adult Swim Venture Brothers character Dean Venture

then you are not a famous Dean."

And yes that image file is part of the old saying – when spoken aloud its binary code is read as a series of zeros and ones easily making it the longest and most tedious of all maxims.

What We Don’t Know

Duh, we don’t know

What the fuck happened to Tori Spelling’s face?

Tori Spelling: fat

I know what you’re going to say – "Come on, cut her some slack, she recently gave birth" – yeah but not through her mouth!

I want you to look closely at the following image taken from a darling promotional photo for T&D:IL

Tori and Dean: domestic goddesses!!!!

Are you going to tell me that the producers aren’t trying to hide some serious blunt force trauma here? They should call the program Tori and Dean and 30 Pounds of Foundation.

The show features a sassy fat black woman or sassifablaman® who serves less to sass than to constantly remind the viewer of what Tori Spelling will look like the instant she shaves her head and becomes black.

sassy fat black Tori Spelling

The rest of Tori and Dean amounts to the two titular fugazis ripping off every other plodding, godawful celebrity reality show possible. Lowlights include:

  • Paris Tori dressing up and fawning over her stupid fucking toy dog!
  • Jessica Tori saying something offensively stupid while Nick Dean mugs for the camera with the "don’t you just love this retard?"-look!
  • Anna Nicole Tori eating too much and incessantly talking about her gross boobs!

Conclusion

The current condition of Tori Spelling’s face has accomplished the formerly unthinkable feat of making her 90210 character Donna Martin (aka "the ugly one") look patently hot by comparison.

doo doo doo, doo doo doo – tsh tsh tsh

Sort of.

So,

What the fuck happened to Tori Spelling’s face?

Sadly I can’t figure it out – but perhaps you can.

So I leave it to you, my intrepid reader:

  1. Find a television that receives Tori and Dean on the Oxygen Network
  2. Set a Tivo or other-brand DVR to record Tori and Dean on the Oxygen Network
  3. Watch Tori and Dean on the Oxygen Network

and then report back here if you’re able to solve this exceedingly fuggly riddle.

Godspeed.