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Coco Crisp, Patron Saint of Stupid Names

Step 1: Find a breeding partner capable of producing with you a male child.

Step 2: Produce such a child.

Step 3A: Name the male child in a bizarre fashion. Wait approximately 20 years.

Step 3B: Success!

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You’re probably wondering how such a simple scheme can have such an infinitesimally small chance of failure. The idea stems from Social Differentiation Patterning Theory, or as it is more commonly known, the Coco Crisp Theory.

To understand the theory, ask yourself this: as an adult, how frequently do you encounter other adults with completely bizarre first names? Perhaps as a child, you knew someone with an unusual name, but you no longer know people like that because, simply put, they’ve all become famous. Think about it, famous athletes – Peerless Pryce, Coco Crisp, Milton Bradley, famous actors – Skeet Ulrich, Yahoo Serious, famous nobodies – Dweezil Zappa. It was impossible for these individuals to not become famous. More than likely, people with unusual names become used to being the center of attention from an early age, causing them to strive for increasing levels of fame as they age. Regardless of the reason, there is no denying the power of the Coco Crisp Theory. Every second you waste not producing male offspring is another second longer until you become rich on your child’s cache.

Peerless Price, Equaled by None…Oh Wait, by Many

There are a few important corollaries to SDP Theory. Success or failure will probably hinge upon your ability to properly interpret these rules.

Corollary 1: Ethnicity Patterning

Certain ethnic groups tend to name their offspring in outlandish fashion purely out of habit, no ethnicities mentioned. Simply corrupting a more common name to create a strange new name will not guarantee fame. If you belong to an ethnic group that is known for its unusual names, you will need to find a more creative way to name your baby boy – try something like Slugger or Flashlight.

Yahoo Serious - He was Carrot Top when Being Carrot Top WAS Cool!

Corollary 2: Anti-Ethnic Patterning

Certain ethnic groups, specifically honkies, are known for choosing ultra-conservative names for their children. Giving a honky boy a distinctly ethnic name may offer a slightly better chance of raising a superstar, but care must be exercised. For example, naming your child Tyrone Long will not work, but Hung Long will work without question. “Soulful” ethnic names, like those derived from Swahili or Hindi words, may work so long as the name is chosen with sincerity, allowing the irony to ripen with age. See Dhani Harrison, son of Beatle George Harrison.

Corollary 3: Intentional Patterning

Puns and plays on words will work without fail. Unfortunately, most people are not blessed with naturally useful surnames. Luckily, the American legal system has a convenient process for changing names. Carefully plan your name change and make sure it has been approved before the child is born to ensure your boy has maximum time to establish his identity. As an example, I have recently changed my last name to Yula in anticipation of the day when I sire my first son, Cownchock.

Skeet! Skeet! Skeet!

Corollary 4: Esteem Patterning

Choosing a name that is more embarrassing than unusual will lead to the ultimate form of failure. If your child grows up as an object of ridicule, he will either commit suicide or become a Wiccan before he can achieve fame. Needless to say, this is a catastrophic waste of the large upfront monetary investment you are making to breed and raise this child with the expectation that he will be financing your lifestyle by his eighteenth birthday.

Corollary 5: Gender Patterning

Perhaps the one lingering question is why this theory has been applied only to male children. The reason is simple: girls are a total crap-shoot. There are examples of oddly-named famous females such as Soleil Moon Frye and Zooey Deschanel. However, naming a female outlandishly mostly guarantees that she will grow up to become a stripper or porn slut. A slightly higher probability can be found by either locking your daughter in a closet throughout her childhood, or having her spend every weekend with her uncle. In either case, no strategy will bring fame to your daughter unless she is attractive.

Soleil Moon Frye - From Punky Brewster to a Filthy, Whory Slut!

On a personal side note, I think Punky Brewster then and now is the creepiest thing yet on a site filled with creepy things.

Let’s see some of those stupid names that you have named or will be naming your children down in the comments section!