Mac, I’m Not Sure We Can Be Friends Anymore
Mac, I know we’ve had some good times together in recent years. I’ll never forget how you taught me to act aloof like I’m better than anyone else. For example, here’s my “too cool for school” grin that I’ve learned to use when talking to people beneath me:
However, your recent behavior has come to my attention and I’m afraid I might not trust your judgment enough to continue this friendship. No….no, please keep your distance!
Yes, it has come to my attention that the second I turned my back, you were immediately making out with actress Drew Barrymore. An informal survery of male college students revealed that a full 63% agreed with the statement “Making out with Drew Barrymore makes Mac gay.” Here’s a chart showing this data.
Now, I personally do not agree with this majority opinion. My onboard algorithms confirm that Ms. Barrymore is in fact female. My further research indicates that she has absorbed an unacceptable amount of semen from noted actor and comedian Tom Green. No….no Mac, you cannot attempt to buy back my loyalty with the C++ GUI programming guide I’ve always wanted.
I’m very deeply hurt by all of this sneaking around behind my back and I must now hide in this box to protect me from whatever diseases you are probably now oozing with.
And to think, I had lined us up a double date with these two fine ladies. It looks like I’ll be entertaining them myself this evening because they too are now repulsed by your thoroughly infected body.
Oh, what fortuitous timing! It’s my old, loyal friend Emo! Emo, would you care to accompany your friend PC and these lovely ladies to a fine Italian restaurant this evening? That is wonderful news, but Emo, you must put that trombone down! Emo….no! Now you’ve done it!
Great! Now my lady friends have left and Mac is right back to frenching Drew Barrymore and groping her doughy lady parts! I hope you’re happy!
No Mac, get away from me! You smell like cheese and it’s making me ill! I wish my motherboard had terminated my fetal subroutine! Waaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!
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Dr. Jeff on 
crazybabydoc on 
Dotty on 
Brian on
That you wrote an entirely different article using the exact same series of images is incredible - I guessed the joke the moment I saw the intro and couldn’t be happier that I did - this truly is ‘beautiful nonsense’
Maddox did a much funnier version of this.
maddox link
Dr. Jeff, if you are incapable of the html required to make links pop up in new windows, I’ll have no choice but to permanently strip you of your posting privileges.
And Brian, sorry to discount your opinion but this article isn’t funny now that we know Maddox did a “much funnier” version of “this.” It’s disappointing to me that a solid 10 minutes of writing and editing on my part could not produce a more clever and nuanced piece of comedy.
Balls! Cock! Gay!
Keith, I’ve added that code to Dr. Jeff’s link, but the situation was even worse than you knew since originally Dr. Jeff posted it as one of those insanely long kajsdfkjdksdjfkdj etc links and that text showed up on the sidebar in the most recent comments section - it was highly unprofessional and behavior unbecoming of any catsandbeer reader, let alone a doctor
Keith: learn to right click
Brian: there is no hyperlink feature to your comment leaving system
To the world: Are there any commercials that Peyton is not in? I’ve counted 5 different ones in the 1st quarter alone.
you don’t need to right-click - just hold down the shift key and click - I will look into adding the ‘quick tags’ system so people can appropriately leave (appropriate) messages - didn’t go with it previously b/c didn’t know if people would ‘get’ it
Postscript: I had a conversation tonight at the bar I was watching “the game” about Peyton’s prolific marketability - perhaps it will become an article some day - woo wooo wooooooooo
I wish I could find old press conferences videos from like um 2001??? When Peyton had a broken jaw, because he want from just barely slightly comprehensible to completely incomprehensible.