Move over Sinbad and Harland Williams, there’s two new sheriffs* in town.
* ‘sheriffs’ here meaning "hack comics starring in adult-themed prime time network animated comedies"

In celebration of the imminent premiere/cancellation of Fox’s new animated series "Two Dreadful Children," catsandbeer.com has decided to pit two of the show’s stars against one another to once and for all answer the question mankind has furiously debated since around 1997 or so:

Who is the more loathsome mincing comic anathema, French Stewart or Chris Kattan?

French Stewart versus Chris Kattan

Round One: Television

The case for French

French Stewart is best known as "that annoying guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun," which is no small feat when you consider that the show starred this asshole:

John Lithgow acting like an idiot

It was on 3rd Rock that Stewart introduced the world to his signature look (like he’s trying to shit out an inadvertently swallowed plastic army man) and his signature delivery (like he’s trying to piss one out).

plastic green army man

The case for Kattan

Chris Kattan spent seven years on Saturday Night Live where, like so many female cast members before and after him, he made up for a deficit of talent by shrieking like a banshee and blowing writers at the weekly wrap party.

The ‘best of’ Cheri Oteri

On SNL, Kattan exhibited uncommon range, portraying a gay dancer, gay designer, and gay dictator while somehow still finding the time to fearlessly lampoon the sacred cow subcultures of both apple-crazed subhumans AND goths!

Chris Kattan shoving his fist in his mouth like a fucking idiot

Verdict

What’s worse, playing one asshole character for 138 episodes or playing 138 for an episode each? Point goes to Kattan.

Score - Chris Kattan: 1 | French Stewart: 0

Round Two: Movies

The case for French

French Stewart has starred in more horrible movies than the Leprechaun.

McHale’s Navy, Clockstoppers, Love Stinks – all films so vile they can legally be used to induce miscarriage in the case of incest, rape, or when a mother’s life is in danger.

Even more remarkably, French has starred in some movies so incomprehensibly bad that no one even knows they exist!

Inspector Gadget Two (two?)

Inspector Gadget 2 starring French Stewart

Home Alone Four (FOUR?!!)

Home Alone 4 starring French Stewart

The case for Kattan

Although not as prolific a shit film actor as Stewart, Kattan has still spattered the silver screen with his leavings far too frequently.

In spite of what the title implies, as Corky Romano in a film by the same name Kattan does not play the recombinant end-product of coupling DNA from the male leads of Life Goes On and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Corky from Life Goes On plus Ray Romano does not equal Corky Romano

Unfortunately, watching those two actors relentlessly fuck in an impossible effort to produce such an offspring would be less nauseating than stomaching Kattan’s supposed metamorphosis from flitting nancy boy black sheep of a crime family (I’m with you so far) to confident ladies man, hero, and respected member of the mob (you lost me at ‘to’).

Chris Kattan as Corky Romano doing something stupid with a cat

While Romano (5%) and A Night at the Roxbury (8%) have ensured that Hollywood will never again greenlight a Kattan-centric project, a glance at rottentomates.com reveals that Chris has still managed to further degrade other already fetid productions such as Brendan Fraser’s flaccid Monkeybone (19% fresh) and the scary-bad House on Haunted Hill (22%).

Verdict

Stewart and Kattan are both legitimate Razzies threats every year they’re eligible, so deciding which one’s the better actor is like trying to judge a bowel movement beauty contest.

First prize!

I’d call this one a draw except that Chris Kattan is the owner of one of my all-time favorite "Fuck it, I don’t even care any more" movie moments:

In the already mentioned House on Haunted Hill, director Mark Malone has filmed himself into a corner by leaving his protagonists inescapably trapped by an evil force with mere frames of celluloid to go, so he just has the ghost of Kattan’s killed off character show up to let the good guys out.

The ghost of Chris Kattan arrives to save the day!

Score one for Frenchie

Score - Chris Kattan: 1 | French Stewart: 1

Round 3: Comics Who Hate Them

The case for Kattan

Behind the scenes on SNL, comic genius Norm Macdonald would endlessly rip on Kattan in what one can only imagine was entertainment 10x better than anything that’s aired on the venerable we-can’t-ever-stop-making-this-because-it’s-historic show since Phil Hartman got merked.

I’m just a caveman ...

Here’s a quote from Norm about Kattan that ran in a 1997 Rolling Stone article on SNL:

"I don’t know, but to me he seems gay," Macdonald says. " He claims he’s not, but I’ve never seen, like, a guy who’s not gay seem so gay. I don’t find him funny. What can I say? Never made me laugh."

The case for French

Comedians don’t seem to have strong feelings about Stewart, but I think that’s because to them French doesn’t even seem like a real person, and who gets angry at a figment of the world’s collective imagination? It would be like hating the Tooth Fairy or the Great Pumpkin.

The only thing I managed to dig up was that French found unflattering an impression Jimmy Fallon did of him.

Jimmy Fallon is French Stewart

Wow.

The ironic footnote here of course is that Fallon is likely unaware that while he has thus far only impersonated French Stewart, he is in fact a couple of years and another Taxi away from BEING French Stewart.

Verdict

Who would you rather have think you suck, the greatest fake news man ever or the star of Fever Pitch?

Norm with a coffee mug full of vodka

Score another one for Kattan

Score - Chris Kattan: 2 | French Stewart: 1

Round 4: Women Be Shoppin!

or

The Ladies Who Really Truly Love Them For Them

Both French and Chris married up, particularly Chris. (Get it? Because he’s short!)

The case for Kattan

In 2005, Kattan became engaged to human female/person whose name doesn’t sound like a person’s name Sunshine Tutt

Sunshine Tutt: surprisingly not the name of a color of paint

The two recently appeared together on a tanning salon reality show that somehow is not named Sunshine Hutt.

The case for French

In 1998, French married actress Katherine LaNasa.

Katherine Lanasa

Incidentally, LaNasa – who has starred in multiple network series and who was once Mrs. Dennis Hopper – married down (way down).

Verdict

When you look at earning power, you come to the disturbing realization that French Stewart is actually the trophy spouse of his marriage.

French Stewart and Katherine Lenasa

That poor woman.

Another point for scrunched-up face guy.

Score - Chris Kattan: 2 | French Stewart: 2

Round 5: Miscellaneous Disgraces

This is exciting, we’re tied up going into the final round so it all comes down to this, the various sundry tidbits and tads that help make these people the annoying fucks that they are.

The case for Kattan

  • His official website is chriskattan.net even though he also owns the .com version
  • He refers to his fans as "Kattaners" and charges them to join his fan club
  • He "likes rain, snow, lightening [sic] and thunder"
  • This: disturbing Chris Kattan valentine

The case for French

  • He was once the spokesman for Clamato, a spicy beverage made from clam and tomato juice that is a trademark of the Mott’s company

Refreshing clam juice!

Verdict

The man sold clam juice. Clam juice.

MOTHERFUCKING FRENCH STEWART USED TO SELL MOTHERFUCKING CLAM JUICE

How could I ever hold malice in my heart for a man who at the height of his popularity had to push jugs of clam juice to get by? I couldn’t.

Point to Kattan for the round and the win.

Chris Kattan defeats French Stewart by a final score of 3 to 2!

Post-Match Analysis

So there you have it: Chris Kattan is officially more loathsome than is French Stewart.

Tell everyone you know unless you know Chris Kattan in which case tell everyone you know except him since he’s probably an all right guy and it might hurt his feelings.

Best of Chris Kattan - running time: 0 minutes

Before I started this article I had a feeling that Kattan was worse, so it’s rewarding to see the cold hard data prove me correct.

At this point I will do as is customary with serious scientific pursuits such as these and offer up my findings for peer review. I encourage you to leave as comments on this website any quarrels you may have with my methodology, divergent conclusions derived from your own research, or just any funny/caustic shit you feel like writing about Chris Kattan and French Stewart.

Update!

Let your voice be heard – vote in the Catsandbeer poll!

If you could only kill either French Stewart OR Chris Kattan who would you kill?

View Results

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Update!

Congratulations to Chris Kattan and Sunshine Nutt on their impending nuptials! Catsandbeer.com would like to extend warm wishes to the couple and hopes the two enjoy blissful married life until they get divorced.

Update! 2

That didn’t take long: Kattan files for separation 2 months after wedding.

I’m sure it was a blissful two months.