Move over Sinbad and Harland Williams, there’s two new sheriffs* in town.
* ’sheriffs’ here meaning "hack comics starring in adult-themed prime time network animated comedies"
In celebration of the imminent premiere/cancellation of Fox’s new animated series "Two Dreadful Children," catsandbeer.com has decided to pit two of the show’s stars against one another to once and for all answer the question mankind has furiously debated since around 1997 or so:
Who is the more loathsome mincing comic anathema, French Stewart or Chris Kattan?
Round One: Television
The case for French
French Stewart is best known as "that annoying guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun," which is no small feat when you consider that the show starred this asshole:
It was on 3rd Rock that Stewart introduced the world to his signature look (like he’s trying to shit out an inadvertently swallowed plastic army man) and his signature delivery (like he’s trying to piss one out).
The case for Kattan
Chris Kattan spent seven years on Saturday Night Live where, like so many female cast members before and after him, he made up for a deficit of talent by shrieking like a banshee and blowing writers at the weekly wrap party.
On SNL, Kattan exhibited uncommon range, portraying a gay dancer, gay designer, and gay dictator while somehow still finding the time to fearlessly lampoon the sacred cow subcultures of both apple-crazed subhumans AND goths!
Verdict
What’s worse, playing one asshole character for 138 episodes or playing 138 for an episode each? Point goes to Kattan.
Round Two: Movies
The case for French
French Stewart has starred in more horrible movies than the Leprechaun.
McHale’s Navy, Clockstoppers, Love Stinks – all films so vile they can legally be used to induce miscarriage in the case of incest, rape, or when a mother’s life is in danger.
Even more remarkably, French has starred in some movies so incomprehensibly bad that no one even knows they exist!
Inspector Gadget Two (two?)
Home Alone Four (FOUR?!!)
The case for Kattan
Although not as prolific a shit film actor as Stewart, Kattan has still spattered the silver screen with his leavings far too frequently.
In spite of what the title implies, as Corky Romano in a film by the same name Kattan does not play the recombinant end-product of coupling DNA from the male leads of Life Goes On and Everybody Loves Raymond.
Unfortunately, watching those two actors relentlessly fuck in an impossible effort to produce such an offspring would be less nauseating than stomaching Kattan’s supposed metamorphosis from flitting nancy boy black sheep of a crime family (I’m with you so far) to confident ladies man, hero, and respected member of the mob (you lost me at ‘to’).
While Romano (5%) and A Night at the Roxbury (8%) have ensured that Hollywood will never again greenlight a Kattan-centric project, a glance at rottentomates.com reveals that Chris has still managed to further degrade other already fetid productions such as Brendan Fraser’s flaccid Monkeybone (19% fresh) and the scary-bad House on Haunted Hill (22%).
Verdict
Stewart and Kattan are both legitimate Razzies threats every year they’re eligible, so deciding which one’s the better actor is like trying to judge a bowel movement beauty contest.
I’d call this one a draw except that Chris Kattan is the owner of one of my all-time favorite "Fuck it, I don’t even care any more" movie moments:
In the already mentioned House on Haunted Hill, director Mark Malone has filmed himself into a corner by leaving his protagonists inescapably trapped by an evil force with mere frames of celluloid to go, so he just has the ghost of Kattan’s killed off character show up to let the good guys out.
Score one for Frenchie
Round 3: Comics Who Hate Them
The case for Kattan
Behind the scenes on SNL, comic genius Norm Macdonald would endlessly rip on Kattan in what one can only imagine was entertainment 10x better than anything that’s aired on the venerable we-can’t-ever-stop-making-this-because-it’s-historic show since Phil Hartman got merked.
Here’s a quote from Norm about Kattan that ran in a 1997 Rolling Stone article on SNL:
"I don’t know, but to me he seems gay," Macdonald says. " He claims he’s not, but I’ve never seen, like, a guy who’s not gay seem so gay. I don’t find him funny. What can I say? Never made me laugh."
The case for French
Comedians don’t seem to have strong feelings about Stewart, but I think that’s because to them French doesn’t even seem like a real person, and who gets angry at a figment of the world’s collective imagination? It would be like hating the Tooth Fairy or the Great Pumpkin.
The only thing I managed to dig up was that French found unflattering an impression Jimmy Fallon did of him.
Wow.
The ironic footnote here of course is that Fallon is likely unaware that while he has thus far only impersonated French Stewart, he is in fact a couple of years and another Taxi away from BEING French Stewart.
Verdict
Who would you rather have think you suck, the greatest fake news man ever or the star of Fever Pitch?
Score another one for Kattan
Round 4: Women Be Shoppin!
or
The Ladies Who Really Truly Love Them For Them
Both French and Chris married up, particularly Chris. (Get it? Because he’s short!)
The case for Kattan
In 2005, Kattan became engaged to human female/person whose name doesn’t sound like a person’s name Sunshine Tutt
The two recently appeared together on a tanning salon reality show that somehow is not named Sunshine Hutt.
The case for French
In 1998, French married actress Katherine LaNasa.
Incidentally, LaNasa – who has starred in multiple network series and who was once Mrs. Dennis Hopper – married down (way down).
Verdict
When you look at earning power, you come to the disturbing realization that French Stewart is actually the trophy spouse of his marriage.
That poor woman.
Another point for scrunched-up face guy.
Round 5: Miscellaneous Disgraces
This is exciting, we’re tied up going into the final round so it all comes down to this, the various sundry tidbits and tads that help make these people the annoying fucks that they are.
The case for Kattan
- His official website is chriskattan.net even though he also owns the .com version
- He refers to his fans as "Kattaners" and charges them to join his fan club
- He "likes rain, snow, lightening [sic] and thunder"
- This:
The case for French
- He was once the spokesman for Clamato, a spicy beverage made from clam and tomato juice that is a trademark of the Mott’s company
Verdict
The man sold clam juice. Clam juice.
MOTHERFUCKING FRENCH STEWART USED TO SELL MOTHERFUCKING CLAM JUICE
How could I ever hold malice in my heart for a man who at the height of his popularity had to push jugs of clam juice to get by? I couldn’t.
Point to Kattan for the round and the win.
Post-Match Analysis
So there you have it: Chris Kattan is officially more loathsome than is French Stewart.
Tell everyone you know unless you know Chris Kattan in which case tell everyone you know except him since he’s probably an all right guy and it might hurt his feelings.
Before I started this article I had a feeling that Kattan was worse, so it’s rewarding to see the cold hard data prove me correct.
At this point I will do as is customary with serious scientific pursuits such as these and offer up my findings for peer review. I encourage you to leave as comments on this website any quarrels you may have with my methodology, divergent conclusions derived from your own research, or just any funny/caustic shit you feel like writing about Chris Kattan and French Stewart.
Update!
Let your voice be heard – vote in the Catsandbeer poll!
Loading ...Update!
Congratulations to Chris Kattan and Sunshine Nutt on their impending nuptials! Catsandbeer.com would like to extend warm wishes to the couple and hopes the two enjoy blissful married life until they get divorced.
Update! 2
That didn’t take long: Kattan files for separation 2 months after wedding.
I’m sure it was a blissful two months.
I don’t believe that Home Alone 4 is a real movie. And nothing you can say or do will convince me otherwise.
Sorry, but I question the methodology of this study. No effort is given to address why French Stewart makes you feel ill when you look at him but Kattan induces feelings of uncontrollable rage. This alone suggests a grave miscalculation of the 3-2 final score.
I hope and pray to Jesus Christ that you didn’t just decide upon a close score for the sake of making this competition seem close, you know, literary license and all of that….
Keith, are you suggesting that French Stewart should have “won?” Because, man, look at the current results of the first-ever catsandbeer.com poll – people would prefer to choke the life out of Chris Kattan over French Stewart by a margin of greater than two to one – that’s very nearly consensus!
Truthfully, I think they both should be choked out.
I forgot to say that I farted and it smelled like hot buttered toast.
For someone who cant stand them both – you sure know alot about them.
I want to know if anyone noticed my “running time: 0 minutes” gag on the Best of Chris Kattan box cover – I think I might have photoshopped it too well leading the reader’s eye to skip over it as if it were part of the real/original image
nope. totally didn’t notice it.
I noticed it instantly, and found it to be one of the top comedic points of the entire treatise.
Dr. Jeff, flatter Brian all you want, it won’t change the fact that YOUR Ravens suck in a profound and soul-crushing way.
Do you really think that norm MacDonald is a comic genius?!!! REALLY?! I mean he can’t hold a straight face if his life depended on it. Not too mention he is boring, and AWLAYS seems to be reading from cards that are off stage to help the stupid actors that didn’t do their homework…
This web site sucks. You suck because you’re boring and depressing and ugly. Please do us all a favor and hold your breath for about 10 minutes or so. Please? If you run a cross a store that sells hearts and souls stop in and get one.
also, omg the dudes who run this website are gay for each other and it would be srsly hawt if they made out. If they run a cross a store that sells polaroid cameras stop in and get one and take some pictures of the hawt making out lol!
Chris, French – come on. This is beneath you.
Great piece. You are very perceptive and entertaining.
I saw Kattan once at my super gay gym in Chelsea, hanging out all squirrely in the locker room and showers. (I guess he was doing research for one of his many well-observed gay characters. Mmmhmm.) This was a couple of decades ago when he was working. I’m thinking he’s probably str8 for real, because little shrimpy gay guys usually have cute bodies, and Kattan’s was all flabby & dumpy — not one defined muscle on it. He was just staring at everybody all wide-eyed waiting to be recognized maybe and nobody did. I’m wondering who this unfunniness was granting oral favors to stay on that show.
French Smith actually has some modest technique, and he plays jazz piano on a pro level, so I respect him for that. That unwatchable show he was on — that 3rd Rock mess — how can you judge anybody’s talent from that? He seems like the kind guy from an affluent family who should have gone into law or medicine. Instead he coasts through in show business, taking jobs from those less privileged in youth than him but more interesting as adults, like a lot of “actors” out of Yale and other Ivy League diploma mills. I’m thinking maybe his relatives are corporate fatcat sponsors, or maybe CIA? I always think this when it’s a mystery why some totally lame performer gets a high-paid gig on TV.
lol you should update this. he filed for divorce after only two months of marriage http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/200.....ris_kattan
Why in the hell would anyone waste so much time on a web page devoted to celebrities they don’t like? I’m not a fan of either Stewart or Kattan. Both are very stylized performers but they are not talentless. The last time I checked they both had numerous successful projects on their resumes and have earned millions of dollars along the way. And their female companions are pretty fine.
Get a fucking life, ok?
It is a profoundly useful service to humanity, pointing who in show business sucks and why. Since recently we were informed that the OSS, precursor to the CIA, employed 24,000 undercover agents including celebrities like Julia Child, and since we know the CIA regularly engages in propaganda and regime toppling, talentless people given a place in media and the public consciousness should be paid attention to. Look at Ronald Reagan.
If nothing else, pointing out awful comic wannabes helps children understand there is nothing wrong with them when they don’t find something funny that somebody’s trying to force them to laugh at.
While I found the article amusing and a welcomed divulgence from meaningful pursuits, I must deem any and all judgments made by the author as pure drivel based upon his proclamation of Norm MacDonald as a “comic genius” and “the greatest fake news man ever.” Excessively high praise for a man who played Lucky the dog in Dr. Dolittle…..Dr. Dolittle 2……Dr. Dolittle 3……and the soon upcoming and much anticipated Dr. Dolittle 4: Tail to the Chief! BTW, these four cinematic gems comprise over 14% of Norm MacDonalds on-screen credits for his ENTIRE career.
And I bet he’s incredible in each and every one of them
I only caught the first Dolittle and my spirit soars knowing there are three additional chapters – they’re going straight to the top (front) of my Netflix queue and should arrive as soon as I return season one of A Minute With Stan Hooper
Um, dumbasses, Norm MacDonald isn’t an actor. The two idiotic responses by the morons blasting the hilarious Norm MacDonald – who is a COMEDIAN – are both for acting stuff. “Oh, he always looks like he’s reading off cue cards!” Yes, because he is, and doesn’t care if it’s obvious. Because he’s not an actor, and he’s not being called a ‘comedic genius’ here for his acting chops or his movie roles or his TV roles. He’s a comedic genius because of his stand up and because of his talk show appearances and other interviews. It’s like saying Scott Fitzgerald was a hack because he wrote shitty movie scripts.
French Stewart is HOT!!!!!