A Comprehensive List of People Who Are Actually Dead But Have Been Using Body Doubles to Hide This Fact

A story recently broke in a highly reputable British newspaper that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il died in 2003 and has been replaced by a team of body-doubles that he had trained to be experts in looking like him. It doesn’t often go reported, but today we’ll take a look at other well-known persons who have been dead for an extended time but live on via skillful look-alikes.

1. Rick Neuheisel

The scandal-clad football coach quietly passed away due to a brain aneurysm in 2002. In his will, he stipulated that a coaching droid should be constructed so that he might posthumously fulfill his lifelong wish of coaching soon-to-be Baltimore Ravens quarterback Kyle Boller. The droid was commissioned in 2005. Unfortunately, in late 2007 the droid attained full sentience and seized control of the UCLA football program, robbing a series of San Bernardino jewelry stores in the process. This is a nightmarish example of what happens when man treads in the domain of the gods.

2. Maynard James Keenan

The iconic frontman of Tool and A Perfect Circle quietly passed away from a stroke in 2006. Owing to the poor dietary habits engendered by constant touring, his doctors believe the stroke occurred while Maynard was straining to evacuate his bowels in a Munich, Germany hotel room. Unwilling to issue refunds to concertgoers, his bandmates instead chose to recruit a doppelganger from a nearby S&M dungeon. Owing to the German legal systems ancient roots in Paganism, Maynard’s death was reclassified as a “soul transfer” and the look-alike officially became Maynard James Keenan, hence the lack of reporting in American media sources. Since his soul transfer, little has changed about Maynard’s music except for the exclusive lyrical focus on coprophagia.

3. Tone-Loc

The hip-hop pioneer and inspiration for Weird Al’s “Gilligan’s Isle-Thing” passed away quietly in 1995 from the complications of diabetes. Having been displaced from the mainstream by the burgeoning gangsta rap movement, his death went largely unnoticed. Because few can remember what Tone-Loc actually looked like, he has been replaced by a rotating cast of substitutes including such notables as Isaiah Whitlock Jr. (1998), Rae Dawn Chong (2001) and Cuba Gooding Jr. (2006). In fact, in Daddy Day Camp, Cuba Gooding Jr. is actually credited as Tone-Loc.

4. Sen. Chris Dodd

The senior senator from Connecticut was quietly stillborn in 1944. Fearing a malpractice claim, his attending obstetrician immediately replaced him with an orphaned baby whose father, coincidentally, illegitimately sired the girl who would go on to voice the character Daphne on the original Scooby Doo cartoons. The newborn orphan was an almost exact match for the stillborn Dodd, allowing the subterfuge to succeed. Pundits suspect that Dodd could be the senator from a more important state such as Texas or Arizona were he not the abandoned bastard offspring of nomadic white trash.

5. Louie Anderson

The pleasantly plump comedian quietly passed away from pneumonia in 2002, shortly following his departure from Family Feud. He was replaced by actress Camryn Manheim who saw the gender-bending role as an opportunity to boost her acting skills. When polled, most critics believed that it was Camryn Manheim who was dead and Louie Anderson who continued to portray her.

6. Kerri Strug

The spritely Olympic heroine quietly drowned while trying to rescue a dog that had fallen through the ice of a pond in 2006. Being one amongst a set of identical octuplets, the Reebok corporation saw fit to replace her with one of her siblings to complete the post-Olympic speaking tour to which she was contractually bound. Unfortunately, the tour was passing through the northern tier of America where each of Kerri’s siblings consecutively perished while rescuing dogs from frozen ponds. Kerri Strug was finally pronounced dead on February 27, 2006 following Mary-Ann’s drowning. All dogs survived their icy ordeals.

7. Andrei Kirilenko

The stone-faced Utah Jazz forward quietly passed from viral meningitis in early 2008. Prior to his death, he was reportedly seen making out with guard Deron Williams although this report can’t be substantiated nor can it be proven that this was the source of his infection. Following his death, the Jazz moved quickly to replace Kirilenko with actor and look-alike Dolph Lundgren. Interestingly, his 3-pt accuracy and assist per game saw substantial improvement after Lundgren took over for Kirilenko. Utah residents did not have any strong feelings about the dead player switcheroo trick so long as their beloved Jazz kept winning, but most did feel strongly that an internet-based list should have either 5 or 10 entries, but definitely not 7.