I want it.

Actually, I want all of Mike Tomlin’s facial hair. How does he keep everything so neat? I need a black man to teach me proper grooming.

How does one maintain a beard that uniformly short? Does he have a personal barber who shaves him every morning? (and afternoon?)

And even if he does have his own live-in barber, how does the barber get that thing like that? I seriously have no idea – my father never taught me to shave and even if he had I doubt he would have known such advanced techniques.

I asked my stepbrother Chris about Mike Tomlin’s beard. He agreed it’s a very fine beard. I asked Chris who else has a beard of such quality and if it would be possible for me, a white man, to grow one. He wasn’t sure, but did point out that Arnold Schwazzenger had an impossibly short beard in Predator.

But really, it’s not the same; Arnold’s looks more like a grease stain or paint smear than it does facial hair. It’s not like Mike’s.

How does he shave it down to just those thin bars connecting sideburn and beard with such precise symmetry? I tried, failed, and then had to just shave everything off.

Now, just like everyone else, when I first saw Mike Tomlin I thought, "Wow, the new Steelers coach looks exactly like actor Omar Epps." And he does. But you know what’s strange? I’ve never once looked at Omar Epps and thought, "Damn, Omar Epps has a great beard." Curious.

So if any black people or barbers/stylists of any race out there know how Mike does it, please leave a comment letting me know, even if that comment carries the bad news that my genes won’t allow it. I’d rather find out the sad truth now than go on living not knowing. Thanks.

The Southern Drainages

Big Cottonwood Canyon is sort of like two canyons in one. While the drainages on the northern side are generally gentle and tree-filled, the southern drainages often share far more in common with their cousins over the ridge in Little Cottonwood Canyon. On the south side, expect to find abundant tree skiing down low and plenty of steeps and chutes up high. Despite the northerly aspect of these drainages, they are pure southern. Don’t expect to find much support for abortion rights; do expect to find waffles with your fried chicken.

1. Broads Fork

RT: 12-15 miles
Elevations: 6,000’-11,330’
Gain: 3,000’-6,000’

Broads Fork is a massive basin that lies close to the head of Big Cottonwood Canyon. Its head is flanked by the soaring Salt Lake Twins, O’ Sullivan and Dromedary Peaks. Although good tree skiing can be found low in the basin, the all-star descents of Broads Fork come off the northeastern aspects of Twin Peaks. However, ski tourers should be aware that the opens snowfields on the Twin Peaks lie over smooth slabs of rock and are prone to glide avalanches. Glide avalanches are always preceded by prominent glide cracks that signal the increased strain in the snowpack. These cracks are a great indicator that a glide avalanche is imminent. The simplest way to avoid being caught in a glide avalanche is to worship God via the teachings of the one true faith. Expect 8-9 hours to complete a tour in Broads Fork.

2. Mill B South

RT: 8-12 miles
Elevations: 6,000’ – 11,000’
Gain: 3,000’ – 5,000’

Although similar to its next-door neighbor Broads Fork, Mill B South is a wider basin that offers less-exposed travel for the avalanche-weary tourer. The main attraction of this basin is a trio of lakes beneath a spectacular rock arête known locally as “Sundial Peak.” The three lakes, Blanche, Florence and Lillian, are named in memoriam for the three plural wives of Mormon pioneer Robert Cornwall. All 3 woman were found dead and mutilated in the upper basin on July 7, 1847. Although the mutilation appeared to be the work of scavenging of wolves, all three women had branded into their abdomen the words “In precisely 100 yeers, we will retern to impregnate ur hot asien women.[sic]” Precisely 100 years later to the date, an unidentified flying object would crash in the desert near Roswell, NM and multiple Asian women would become pregnant. It remains unknown if these incidents are related. Also puzzling is the appearance of the bodies 17 days before Mormon pioneers would reach the Wasatch Front. Hence, whoever performed these grizzly murders most likely had Quantum Leap technology. Ski tourers should explore above the lake for powder shots in the areas where coyotes or other scavengers feasted upon the detached limbs of the deceased ladies.

3. Cardiff Fork

RT: 12-14 miles
Elevations: 7,300’ – 11,040’
Gain: 2,000’ – 4,000’

Cardiff Fork offers something for everyone, from pleasant tree-skiing along the eastern flanks of Kessler Peak, to spine-tingling descents off of Cardiac Ridge and the north face of Mt. Superior. Chute skiing enthusiasts will also find spectacular west-facing runs off of Reed and Benson Ridge including the famed Hallway Couloir. During the long skin into the basin, tourers are encouraged to stop and peruse the interpretive signage detailing the decades-long history of the AIDS virus and the continuing effort to find a cure for it. At the end of the basin, past Montreal Hill, ski tourers have the option of making a donation, 10% of which goes to a major AIDS charity. The remaining 90% goes to maintaining the interpretive trail and rotating photo montage at mile 2.7.

4. Days Fork

RT: 8-10 miles
Elevations: 7,400’ – 10,561’
Gain: 2,000’ – 3,500’

In 2005, the naming rights to this basin were purchased by Wyndham Worldwide, the parent company of the Days Inn chain of hotels. Prior to 2005, the basin was known as “Progressive Fork.” Ski tourers can expect a moderate tour at a reasonable price. At the time of this publication, the basin was closed to the public due to a bedbug infestation.

5. Silver Fork

RT: 6-9 miles
Elevations: 7,700’ – 10,200’
Gain: 2,000’ – 3,000’

Silver Fork is a near replica of its neighbor Days Fork. Expect to find a mixture of trees and open meadows with little in the way of difficult steeps or chutes. Although reasonable access is available by skinning up from the Big Cottonwood Road, most choose to access this basin by skinning over from the Flagstaff area of Alta in Little Cottonwood Canyon. Such ski tourers are almost exclusively sex criminals and infected with multiple venereal diseases*. Female ski tourers are encouraged to always travel in the company of a man, preferably one with martial arts training and possibly handgun experience. Should they travel unaccompanied, all female skiers in Silver Fork should be immediately screened for STDs and issued a does of emergency contraceptive as they will have likely been inseminated by a rapist skier from Alta**. Expect a tour in Silver Fork to take little more than 5 hours as the grades are generally gentle and the skin tracks good.

The Northern Drainages

The northern drainages of Big Cottonwood Canyon are a world away from their southerly neighbors. For starters, elevations on the north side never exceed the magical ten thousand foot mark except for a few isolated peaks along the ridgeline. Additionally, the drainages show little evidence of glacial activity, leaving behind smoother, less steep terrain. Due to the limited amount of rugged, challenging terrain, many have dubbed northern Big Cottonwood Canyon as “gay.” This is, in fact, a gross oversimplification. While the soft, rounded peaks do have a distinctly effeminate quality, upon closer inspection one will realize that the peaks’ sensitivity masks an understated masculinity that is both independent and self-assured. Call the northern canyons gay all you want; the fact is that they get all the ladies.

1. Mill B North

RT: 8-20 miles
Elevations: 6,200’ – 9,750’
Gain: 3,000’ – 6,000’

Mill B North is not the most pure of ski touring destinations, but it does serve as a gateway to several worthy objectives. Hidden within the drainage is the mystical Whipple Couloir. Touring to the high ridgeline gives access to northerly descents into Neffs Canyon via Thomas Fork. A simple way to remember this is to think of splitting open a Thomas’ English muffin with a fork. Due to the low elevation and southerly aspect of the lower drainage, expect poor snow conditions low down. Mill B tourers often choose to run shuttles to other canyons.

2. Butler Fork

RT: 8-20 miles
Elevations: 7,200’ – 10,246’
Gain: 2,500′-4,000′

Butler is perhaps the largest and most varied drainage on the north side of Big Cottonwood Canyon. Skiing can be found on every possible aspect and elevation here, so good turns can always be found. Popular descents include the east face of Mt Raymond (everybody loves Raymond! – thank you.), the north side of Reynolds Peak, and great lines off of virtually every aspect of Gobblers Knob. Many teenage boys find the name “Gobblers Knob” very humorous, but the peak was named for a very important man: Ephraim Gobbler, the first comptroller of the state of Utah. Gobbler instituted a number of financial reforms that brought the Mormon banking system in line with federal standards, paving the way for Utah’s adoption into the union in 1896. The Utah legislature voted to name the tallest peak on the Big Cottonwood/Mill Creek ridgeline after Gobbler, or more specifically after his knob. We can all agree that there’s nothing humorous about that. Look for excellent north-facing descents into Alexander Basin off the summit of Gobblers Knob. Expect 2-3 hours to get on top of Gobblers Knob.

3. Mill D North

RT: 9-12 miles
Elevations: 7,300’ – 9,600’
Gain: 2,000’ – 5,000’

Mill D North offers traditional Big Cottonwood touring with paltry amounts of humor. There’s tree-skiing and meadow-skipping in every direction and you can do some longer tours into upper Mill Creek or along the Park City ridgeline from here. But really, what’s the point? It’s devoid of mirth. It’s like attending the trial of the man who murdered your wife and unborn child. If you want to ski Mill D North, try Little Water Peak. At least Little Water is kind of like “making a little water” which would be a euphemism for urination. That’s funny, but in a pretty ephemeral way. You can ski Little Water off of any aspect but it won’t make a difference.

4. Beartrap Fork

RT: 6-8 miles
Elevations: 7,600’ – 9,990’
Gain: 2,000’ – 3,000’

A simple anagram for Beartrap Fork is “Fork-rape Bart.” For obvious reasons, the author of this guide has never skied Beartrap Fork. He hears there is reasonable tree skiing when avalanche conditions are dangerous.
* All Alta skiers are rapists. Even the women.
** To reiterate, all Alta skiers are sex criminals and are infected with multiple venereal diseases, usually the ones that can’t be cured by antibiotic intervention. When you think Alta, think herp, warts, HPV, the A-word, Hep and probably SARS too.

Act I: Jay Cutler is Hungry for Some Reason
Act II: Jay Cutler is Hungry and Becoming Upset About It
Act III: Denver is Safe Again

April 8, 2008

Diabetes and Endocrinology Research Center (DERC)
University of Colorado Health Sciences Center
Aurora, Colorado

Janine Paulson, Dietician: “Hi Jay! I’m Janine and I’ll be one of the dieticians working with you here at the DERC. I just wanted to speak with you briefly about, ummm, some of the, uhhh, basic dietary guidelines that you’ll need to be consider…start to consider, okay?”

Jay Cutler: [inaudible]

JP: [laughs] Okay. So, for starters I like to say that carbohydrates aren’t the enemy, they’re just kind of like a friend you’re sick of and want to spend less time with!” [laughs]

JP: “Well, so there will still be room for carbs in your diet, we’ll just need to carefully control your intake and balance it out with good levels of protein, fat, other things….Umm, the thing we really want to focus on is good carbs, ummm, which are the ones we describe as having a “low glycemic index.” Have you heard that term before?”

JP: “Okay, so basically what that means is we want to get you eating carb sources that it takes your body longer to chew up so the sugar enters your bloodstream more slowly and steadily, okay?”

JC: “So, like, what about like, ummm, Doritos?”

JP: “Well, that’s the kind of thing we really want to steer you away from because we tend to overindulge in those…”

JC: “But, like, what about Cool Ranch Doritos?”

JP: “Well, it’s the same thing from…”

JC: “And, like what about Spicy Habanero Doritos?”

JP: [shaking head] “No…”

JC: “Fritos?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “Barbeque Fritos?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “Flamin’ Hot Fritos?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “Chili Cheese Fritos?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “What about Funions?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “Ummm, Sun Chips?”

JP: “Now, those are multi-grained so they’re not the worst thing in the …”

JC: “What about Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips?”

JP: “Well that’s…”

JC: “And, like, Hostess Cupcakes?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “What about Ho-Hos?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “Little Debbie’s Cosmic Brownies?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “Ummm, Little Debbie Zebra Cakes?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “What about, like the red, white and blue ones they make on the 4th of July?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “M&Ms?”

JP: “No, sugar…”

JC: “Peanut M&Ms?”

JP: “Well, that’s a step in the right direction. Nuts are actually very good…”

JC: “So does that mean Peanut Butter M&Ms are cool too?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “What about Skittles?”

JP: “God no.”

JC: “And Wild Berry Skittles?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “What about ice cream?”

JP: “No.”

JC: “Even Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough? I love….”

JP: “Jay…Jay! All of these things – junk. You can have these things from time to time, but in moderation!”

JC: [pauses] “What about pizza?”

JP: “How much pizza? You see, that’s going to be the key…”

JC: “Well, Travis and I are usually good for a Meat Lover’s each but if he’s over all day then we just usually get 2 pizzas each in case he needs to crash or something.”

JP: “No, you can’t be eating like that anymore…”

JC: “But, it’s like, we usually can’t help it. We get, like, really hungry and I don’t know what it is.”

JP: “Well, the diabetic thing will take some getting used to, but once we get you settled in I bet you start feeling a lot better.”

JC: “Umm, I have another question. Are there carbohydrates in, ummmm…..uhhhhh, are there carbs in…ummmmm……are there carbs in, like, cigarettes and stuff?”

JP: “No, not that I’m aware. But you don’t smoke do you?”

JC: [quietly, eyes averted] “No, not, like, cigarettes.”

JP: [pauses] “Oh. Ohhh! Ummm, sometimes there are certain, uhhhh, behaviors that can indirectly promote poor eating habits – like, for example, maybe you drink a soda while studying your playbook or whatever – and we’ll need to begin breaking you of those habits, okay?”

JC: [head down, quietly] “Okay.” [begins sobbing]

Tonight, the 2007-2008 college basketball season comes to a close as Kansas plays Memphis in the NCAA Tournament Championship Game. And that means I have to publish this now before it’s out of season to laugh at Duke fans.

- lovingly lifted from here.

March Madness is in full effect and only sixteen teams remain as we kick off the second weekend of the 2008 NCAA Tournament. Since my beloved program didn’t even make the NIT, I had to find something to occupy my time between games.

Here’s what the head coaches of the Sweet Sixteen teams would be doing if they weren’t coaching.

Midwest Regional (Detroit, M.I.)

Name: BILL SELF (Kansas, no. 1 seed)
Age: 45
Years Head Coach: 15
Tournament Record: 18-9 in 10 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: Wisecracking Plumber

Look, ‘dis guy’ll change ya sprinkla head tha minute youse two change ya tone!

Name: BO RYAN (Wisconsin, no. 3 seed)
Age: 60
Years Head Coach: 24
Tournament Record: 10-6 in 7 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: Evangelist

Yonder, Yonder! Look sinner, yonder is a horrible burning tempest driving towards you, a dreadful burning lake preparing for you! Look! do you not see a horrible deep and large pit filled with horribly burning fire, and that fire filled with damned men and women? Lay your ear to the mouth of this pit, and hear what the dolorous complaints, what the shrieks and yellings be of that cursed company. And do you not perceive yourself hastening forward in the way to this place of burning? And will you go forward still?

Name: BOB MCKILLOP (Davidson, no. 10 seed)
Age: 57
Years Head Coach: 19
Tournament Record: 2-4 in 5 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: America’s Grandpa

Sports fans, do not worry: it’s not gay to want Bob McKillop to set you on his knee, give you a Werther’s Original, and tell you the story of how the old tractor ended up stuck in the hollow of that oak. Not gay at all.

Name: JAY WRIGHT (Villanova, no. 12 seed)
Age: 46
Years Head Coach: 14
Tournament Record: 7-5 in 6 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: Man About Town

If Jay weren’t coaching, he’d be a kept man, a playboy, a cock of the walk. Basically, his life would be exactly the same except he’d have the time to drop store-bought Kitons and go bespoke.

West Regional (Phoenix, A.Z.)

Name: BEN HOWLAND (UCLA, no. 1 seed)
Age: 50
Years Head Coach: 14
Tournament Record: 15-6 in 7 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: Landlord

Ben Howland hasn’t led his UCLA Bruins to three straight first-place finishes in the PAC-10 and two straight Final Four appearances without being a bit of a hardass, and he probably wouldn’t keep the electricity running or fix the pipes during a storm without more of the same. He’d make a great somewhat ornery landlord but he’s not charismatic enough to make a great somewhat ornery TV landlord. But that’s OK – few are.

Name: SEAN MILLER (Xavier, no. 3 seed)
Age: 39
Years Head Coach: 4
Tournament Record: 3-2 in 3 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: A Guy That Would Call Me "Bubbie"

OK, I know that’s not a profession, and unlike some of the other stretches on this list it’s not even a vocation. But I’m staring and staring at pictures of this guy and I feel like he wants to call me ‘bubbie’ (or however you spell that Jewish/Italian New York slang) and I realize it’s because he reminds me of Joe Pesci’s character in My Cousin Vinny. Now I don’t know if Vinny ever even uses that term in the movie but he’s the type of guy who I think would and Miller for whatever reason reminds me of him.

Now if you’re gonna hound me and say this one doesn’t count, I’ll throw in the bonus that in the following photo he looks like an insane Mr. Bean:

Name: BOB HUGGINS (West Virginia, no. 7 seed)
Age: 54
Years Head Coach: 28
Tournament Record: 20-20 in 21 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: No Frills Hired Muscle

What do you expect for a guy who’s had former players arrested for punching a police horse and torturing other players, who’s colloquially known by friend and foe alike as “Thuggins?” Bob clearly wouldn’t mind the dirty work – hell, he might even relish it – and I get the impression he’d love nothing more than wearing jogging suits for the rest of his life.

Name: DARRIN HORN (Western Kentucky, no. 12 seed)
Age: 35
Years Head Coach: 5
Tournament Record: 2-0 in 1 appearance
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: High School Guidance Counselor

Darrin looks like he’d make a great high school guidance counselor – the border on this photo I snagged even looks like it came straight out of a yearbook! I think Darrin would really enjoy getting to know young people and helping young people get to know themselves. That or he probably looks like someone who’d be on The Office. I can’t be sure since I don’t watch that show.

East Regional (Charlotte, N.C.)

Name: ROY WILLIAMS (North Carolina, no. 1 seed)
Age: 57
Years Head Coach: 20
Tournament Record: 45-17 in 18 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: Fried Chicken Restaurateur

I get the feeling ol’ boy Roy is likely pretty fond of fried chicken and I bet he’d be damn good at selling it too.

Name: BRUCE PEARL (Tennessee, no. 2 seed)
Age: 48
Years Head Coach: 16
Tournament Record: 7-4 in 5 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: Angry Sports Memorabilia TV Pitchman

Pearl is a shameless promoter to the point that you actually begin to wonder if he’s missing the part of the brain that mitigates shame. Such unbridled enthusiasm coupled with a willingness to say anything and a love of sports almost positions him for a hall of fame career in the world of televised sports memorabilia salesmanship. Almost – I’m afraid his readily perceptible, irrepressible anger would see him never quite capable of ousting incumbent champion of the universe, Don West.

Name: RICK PITINO (Louisville, no. 3 seed)
Age: 55
Years Head Coach: 22
Tournament Record: 34-11 in 13 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: see below

This sucks. I know everybody’s thinking mobster or Pacino Jr. and everybody’s right: Pitino straight up looks like a wiseguy. But fuck it, I’m going throw a curveball and say Scott Baio in a Charles in Charge remake.

Name: TONY BENNETT (Washington State, no. 4)
Age: 38
Years Head Coach: 2
Tournament Record: 3-1 in 2 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: Excitable Mormon

Sure he looks animated here arguing a ref’s call, but change the surroundings and change his clothes (a tiny bit) and he’d be indistinguishable from any other young man between the ages of 19 and 25 bursting at the seams in anticipation of a pair of years proselytizing.

South Regional (Houston, T.X.)

Name: JOHN CALIPARI (Memphis, no. 1 seed)
Age: 49
Years Head Coach: 16
Tournament Record: 20-9 in 10 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: Electrical Engineer

I’d listen to Cal if he said we had to switch off the grid for an hour and go generator. I just would.

Name: RICK BARNES (Texas, no. 2 seed)
Age: 53
Years Head Coach: 21
Tournament Record: 17-15 in 16 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: Struggling Farmer

Coach Barnes has the look of a man who’s watched drought turn his parched corn fields to dust and who knows firsthand that the udders of spooked cows run dry. If the alfalfa don’t come in strong, the bank gets the ranch.

Name: TRENT JOHNSON (Stanford, no. 3 seed)
Age: 51
Years Head Coach: 9
Tournament Record: 5-3 in 4 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: The Tree

Stanford’s hideous unofficial mascot has taken a PR beating over the last few years with its involvement in public drunkenness and scuffles with campus security. Johnson could turn things around for The Tree and restore its former luster provided he could fit inside the costume.

Name: TOM IZZO (Michigan State, no. 5 seed)
Age: 53
Years Head Coach: 13
Tournament Record: 26-9 in 11 appearances
Profession If He Weren’t Coaching: The Chief

He didn’t like you the moment you stepped in his office for the first time. If you can’t show respect for the badge how can you expect the badge to respect you? When you put yourself at risk you’re putting his men at risk and he won’t allow it, not on his watch! But he knows good police work, and what you did today was good police work. And while he might be a mean sonuvabitch, he’ll be goddamned if he’s a fool too. So he thought he’d bring you out in front of the boys and say job well done.

Feedback

OK, that’s what I figured out. Let me know what I got right/wrong and leave your own ideas for what these guys would be doing if they weren’t coaching hoops.

A little late, but anytime’s a good time for some Tebow.

November 24, 2007 – Florida vs. Florida State:

Update: Vote!

Tim Tebow is many things, but most of all

“My name is Thomas Archer and I’m with the office of the Attorney General. I’ll be laying out the basic details that the investigating officers have communicated to us and then I’ll take some questions afterwards.

“At approximately 2:45PM on the day in question, the suspect Mr. Cutler was observed weeping on a bench at the playing field. Witnesses report that he was mumbling about Papa John’s pizza and a jam band, the String Cheese Incident.

“At 2:48PM, the suspect rose from the bench and began sprinting across the playing field while screaming, and I quote, ‘Cotton candy! I want the blue kind!’ It is believed his speech was directed at a vendor on the opposite side of the field. Undercover security personnel promptly subdued the suspect by tackling him to the turf.

” The suspect was escorted from the playing field. Witnesses report that he repeatedly screamed, and I quote, ‘Yo Dominique! If the dude shows up, pay him and I’ll get you back!’ The Dominique in question is Dominique Foxworth, a cornerback on the suspect’s team. An interview with coach Mike Shanahan suggests that the money in question was a payment for a Papa John’s delivery boy in Kansas City that Mr. Cutler believed was arriving with pizzas.

“The suspect was removed from the facility and booked into Denver County Jail. He is being held upon his own request until the detoxifiers he ordered from Heads of State arrive this afternoon. I’d just like to assure the citizens of Denver that Mr. Cutler no longer poses a threat to pizza delivery routes or any other means of food distribution. Questions?”

The End……..Or is it?!?

Baltimore Ravens quarterback Steve McNair is nothing if not expressive, which I guess means he’s nothing.

This guy was a robot long before 70% of his body was replaced with metal.

Well the much anticipated head-to-head match-up between two of the NFL’s top teams – the New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboys – and two of the NFL’s premiere wide receivers – Randy Moss and Terrell Owens – finally went down on Sunday and it was a good one.

And while neither Randy nor Terrell had huge days, it was the resurgent Moss who showed why he’s the NFL’s top receiver and head and shoulders above the controversial Owens. Let me break it down for you:

Randy Moss has a great smile.

It’s warm, effortless, and makes you feel like he’s just a big kid who enjoys playing ball.

What a goofball.

Terrell Owens on the other hand, well …

Look, I’m not saying that T.O. doesn’t have a good smile. The man clearly has a nice mouth, and that counts for a lot when you’re talking smiles.

But whereas Randy’s grin begins in his heart and exits his face, T.O. seems to say cheese strictly for the cameras and not for himself.

I’m sure this is going to get me a lot of hate mail from Cowboys fans that feel like I’m trashing their guy but, what can I say, I gotta call ‘em like I see ‘em.

Moss also has the better hair.

But this really isn’t a fair comparison since Terrell Owens doesn’t have any hair at all.

The bottom line is that while you can’t go wrong with either guy, there’s only one #81 on this fan’s fantasy team.

Previously on Jay Cutler Watch -

“Wait, didn’t I order some pizzas or something?”

Moments later, the mystery is solved!

Mike Shanahan: “That’s definitely not a Denver area code. That’s……let’s see here…….yeah, that’s the Papa John’s in KC. They probably delivered to Arrowhead. Anyway, they’re starting to play a lot of Cover 2, so let’s move to more double tight-end…..”

Jay: “I’m so fucking hungry right now. I swear to God.”

Overcome by the startling realization that he won’t eat until the game is over, Jay retreats to the bench.

Coach: “Jay, we’re down by 38! I really need you to focus here! Talk to me!”

Jay: (barely audible through sobbing) “Tell the… announcer guy to…put on some String Cheese Incident.”