But I like it anyway.

Proof that bunnies are cute even when they steady pounding that shit.

Man oh man, if there’s one thing White People love more than these 10 rap songs it’s taking jokes way too seriously and throwing the word "racist" around like they do Frisbees. I’m sorry my silly little list got some of you so heated – I only hope that while furiously typing out your angry comments you didn’t accidentally spill Jamba Juice on your MacBook.

Anyway, a common response to my Rap Songs White People Love article was to demand a Rock Songs Black People Love companion piece. And guess what: just this once, White People are going to get their way.

Submitted by a reader, this is the first guest columnist-penned piece in site history. It’s funny and it serves not only as a great follow-up, but also to give me another day to finish the article I’m writing that will shut down the Internet (which means that if you have any important online banking or social networking to do, consider this your 24-hour warning).

Without further ado, catsandbeer.com (and a Black Person) proudly present:

The Top 10 Rock Songs Black People Love, A Post Written By A Black Person

1. Smoke On The Water – Deep Purple

Every black person secretly knows, headbangs and plays air guitar to the opening riffs of this one, as soon as white people aren’t watching.

"Got to admit, yo that opening part is DEF. Ya got to admit. Give it up."

2. Schoolboy Crush – Average White Band

We like it so much we sampled it for rap about 2,887,745 times in about six thousand raps.

"Yo yo yo, naw, them white boys in this one tore this one up. Got to admit." "Word."

3. Play That Funky Music – Wild Cherry

See #2.

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me – Def Leppard

Fill a room with black folks, start this video on the TV, and by the end of the second bar of that guitar intro every black person has turned around watching the screen. If whites are in the room, we will smirk, nod, then resume talking and drinking with you.

If no whites are in the room, one wannabe-hardcore-looking black guy will move in to switch the TV off, saying, "What y’all watching this crazy— white s–t for?" Other black folk in the room will move in and block him from the TV.

"Whoa whoa whoa. Calm down. No." Pause. "I like this."

Guaranteed.

Black folk, admit you have been in a room where this happened.

6a. I Don’t Want Your Love or 6b. Notorious – Duran Duran

In fact, anything recorded by Duran Duran before the Liberty album. Duran Duran is the only white group ALL black people mysteriously like.

Go ask your favorite black person today.

6. I Don’t Want To Fall In Love – Jane Childs

All black women consider Jane Childs the most authentically black-sounding white woman who has ever sung a note in public. Jane tore up that song. Give it up y’all.

However, the white female rock song ALL black women secretly sing along to with no brothers or white folk sitting around watching, is…

7. (Damn) I Wish I Was Your Lover – Sophie B. Hawkins

All of us like this song and sing along with it. We have all been there, and this white woman nailed it respectably.

Another white female rock song black people (especially black women) like is:

8. Tell It To My Heart or anything else by Taylor Dayne

Admit it, sistas: we have all whispered to each other that Ms. Dayne looks or must be part-black, because otherwise "there is no way on earth she could sing that well if she wasn’t at least part black" … right?

9. Anything by Sinatra

Now I know Frank Sinatra doesn’t qualify to many fools as a rock star, but according to the teenage girls of the 1940′s he was, and every black man in the recording industry wishes he were Frank and will give instant big props to Ol’ Blue Eyes.

Black people are kind of like Italians. We ALL worship Frank Sinatra. We also wish Frank had been black because he was that cool.

And finally:

10. Anything by Steely Dan or the solo Donald Fagen

All black people like Steely Dan. Any black folk who claims he doesn’t hasn’t heard them yet.

Want to get black folks in a comfortable mood at a party with the lights all low, and get them nice and friendly with the white people also at the party? Throw on some Steely Dan and see how the colors mingle and black folk start waxing rhapsodic on how many white musicians are quite gifted.

Once again: all black people like and will listen to Steely Dan. The Doobie Brothers come close on this black respect meter, but nobody touches the Dan.

However, bear in mind that most people know rock music was created by black people, so this top 10 comparison might be actually kind of moot. Did I miss any?

Signed, a black woman named …

Oh yeah and all black folks love

11. KC & The Sunshine Band (Bonus!)

We will not switch that off if it comes on the radio. We listen to it. Period. But we generally like the rest of the album more than we do the singles.

"I’m Your Boogieman" is one of those.

Peace.

Signed,
Yvette

Whoops – one more – my sister just chimed in with

12. Led Zeppelin (Double Bonus!)

"All black people have at least a little respect for Led Zeppelin songs."

I agree, she is right.

OK, that’s all from me.

Postscript

So there you have it. And what’s interesting to note is that, just like on the White People list, NONE of these songs are less than a decade old. In fact, most of them are considerably older than their White People counterparts. Hey, I guess White People and Black People aren’t that different after all …

It’s at this point that I would like to put up a poll asking "What Black People-beloved rock song most deserved to make the list?," but unfortunately (and I do mean unfortunately) I am neither

1. black, nor
2. knowledgeable about rock music.

So I leave it to you, the Catsandbeer.com community, to tell me which hits gotsa make the list. My one request is that only Black People or Not-Black People Who Know Black People In Real Life submit suggestions. This is, after all, for science.

Thanks for understanding.

Update

Wow, I’m impressed by the variety/extent of the discussion still going on in the comments section of the page – thanks to everyone that’s taken time to chime in.

I finally sat down to go through the suggestions posted and quickly realized there was no way I could create a poll asking what specific songs should have made the list. So instead, I’m going to go with asking which artists should have been included.

As everyone has correctly pointed out, the original list wasn’t just rock songs, so with that in mind I’ve tried to be very precise with the phrasing of this poll question.

Vote!

Let your voices be heard and please tell me …

And I mean fucking LOVE. When these songs come on, White People look at each other and say "Awwww yeah" or "Hell yeah" and are compelled to sing along. Sometimes there’s also a corresponding stupid dance move.

Having studied White People for 27 28 29 30 years, my authority on the topic is absolute; this list is damn near bullet proof.

The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love

10. Positive K – I Got A Man

White People’s most beloved rap duet.

White Girls in particular love this song because it gives them a chance to playfully reject a male suitor’s advances on the dance floor before blowing him at the end of the night. It’s empowering.

9. Digital Underground – The Humpty Dance

Humpty Hump was rap music’s greatest alter ego and actually a good MC but all White People know (and love) him for is "I like my oatmeal lumpy," and "Burger King bathroom."

Fucking White People.

8. Biz Markie – Just A Friend

Oh my god do White People love this song. Particularly frat boys. Why? I don’t know.

Unlike most of his peers on this list, the Biz is a guy long deep in the hip hop scene with lots of cred, yet to White People he’ll only ever be that fat funny-looking black guy with the wig who sings bad.

7. Young MC – Bust A Move

I believe there is a law that requires this song be played at every Rock n’ Bowl.

Like that the police shut down the bowling alley if it doesn’t comply.

6. Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock – It Takes Two

Knowing the words up to "I get stupid, I mean outrageous" is standard and unremarkable.

Knowing everything up through the hook means you’ll be frenching at 80s Night.

5. Naughty By Nature – Hip Hop Hooray

Before he was shooting porn and marrying/divorcing Pepa (a near miss on this list herself), Treach was teaching White People the world over how to wave their arms from side to side above their heads while singing nursery rhymes.

Hip Hop Hooray is not only a great way to melodically celebrate life, it’s something to buy airbrushed on a T-shirt when you’re at the beach for a week on your summer vacation to show that you’re down.

4. Tag Team – Whoomp (There It Is)

Man, what was the fucking story about this song and the other one that came out at exactly the same time by, I believe, 95 South called "Whoot There It Is?" Somebody fucked somebody else over big time there.

The weird thing about this song – ubiquitous and beloved by Wisconsin grandmothers that it is – is that its lyrics contain the words "motherfucking," "nigga," "shit," and references to smoking dank. Crazy!

I remember watching The Box video network (where I learned everything I know about Black People) and seeing Tag Team’s follow-ups to this one: "Whoomp (Si Lo Es)" and "Addam’s Family Whoomp." I’m not kidding.

3. Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby

This one song on the list that White People pretend to only like ironically. Don’t be fooled: deep down White People still think Ice is 110% gangsta.

I remember back in the day "battling" another sixth grader at the ice skating rink in who could rap the first verse of this song the fastest. The kid was Asian, so I won.

2. House of Pain – Jump Around

White People will never be completely comfortable with Black Music so anytime they’re given the opportunity to like a song by one of their own race they go fucking overboard (see this record and all five thousand Eminem songs).

If you’ve ever seen Black People comedy, you’ll be familiar with the notion that White People have no rhythm and can’t dance. This is true. That’s why they will embrace with both honky arms any song that makes it OK for them to not actually dance during it or that tells them exactly what to do and when to do it.

If you go to a club and this fucking song comes on all the White People will literally jump around. I fucking promise you.

1. Sir Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back

Go to a karaoke bar – get the song list – check the rap section – if there’s only one song, this is the song – every fucking time, this is the song.

This, like a number of the other rap songs White People love, features prominently sexual themes addressed in a humorous fashion. I think it’s White People’s inherent prudish squareness that makes them get all giddy about "naughty" rapper songs.

Honorable Mention

In no particular alphabetical order:

• 2 Live Crew: Me So Horny – Too dirty for Old White People (a significant percentage of All White People) to make the list. But man, how times have changed – remember the reaction to this shit when it came out? Florida was ready to lynch Uncle Luke. Today he’s Jeb Bush’s golfing buddy.
• 50 Cent: In Da Club – Fiddy!
• Arrested Development: People Everyday – "Tennessee" has the more famous name but it’s not the one that fifteen years later is still being played every night in every club in Ecuador (and probably other backwards countries too). Ditto Madonna’s "Like A Prayer," but that’s a different list.
• Beastie Boys: Girls/Brass Monkey/(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party) – White People collectively love all three of these songs but not individually enough to crack the top ten.
• Black Sheep – The Choice Is Yours (This Or That): Not quite famous enough to make the list, but man is it ever fun to say "You can get with this / or you can get with that" a hundred times in three minutes.
• Juvenile: Back That Azz Up – As you can see, it’s basically impossible for White People to truly love your rap song if it’s less than a decade old. Still, Juvenile got close with this one which features a verse from a significantly Lil’-er Wayne.
• Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz: Get Low – HHH v2 with the arm movements plus what other song lets you yell about jizz to total strangers?
• Nelly: Hot in Herre – Again with the whites getting titillated by suggestive lyrics. Nelly is the white Justin Timberlake.
• Notorious B.I.G.: Big Poppa – You know, ’cause White People can be 350-pound black gangsta romeos too (actually by definition they cannot).
• Puff Daddy: It’s All About The Benjamins – Diddy!
• Salt n’ Pepa: Push It – This and "Let’s Talk About Sex" ruled the roller rinks back in the day but neither could get these gals into the Top 10. Still, much respect to the pair (or triumvirate if you count Spinderella’s stinking ass) for being the women that got the closest.
• Tone Loc: Wild Thing – Wild Thing or Funky Cold Medina? Wild gets the nod since the only words 99% of people know to Funky Cold Medina are "Funky Cold Medina."
• Tupac Shakur: California Love – Had to have a 2Pac song on this list. I think White People love Pac because he makes them feel like they’ve lost a friend to gang violence.
• Will Smith: Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It – Ironically, just not jiggy enough to make the list (and yes I know Nas wrote it).
• Wreckx-N-Effect: Rump Shaker – Remember the girl playing the saxophone on the beach in this video? Man, the White People were right about this one …

OK, that’s my list. Let me know me yours, what I left off, and where I fucked up.

Update 1

White People: let your nasally voices be heard – vote!

Update 2

The Black People have spoken! (at least one of them has)

Once you’re done here, be sure to check out The Top 10 Rock Songs Black People Love, A Post Written By A Black Person.

Update 3

All right, all right – everybody’s a critic – that’s cool – but answer me this:

For whatever reason, there’s been a lot of talk about public bathroom foot-tapping and gay sex in the media lately. Most of it seems highly negative and this is upsetting to me because I am a long-time public bathroom foot-tapper. For the record, the overwhelming majority of us foot-tappers aren’t attempting to solicit some sexual act the exact nature of which eludes me and arouses a purely scientific curiosity as to what it is. Rather, we’re doing something as wholesome as petting our kitties:

Air drumming!

That’s right! Why the briefcase in front of the stall door? Well, you can’t have a fake drum kit without a kick drum! And all the foot-tapping? Well, my right foot is on the kick drum pedal and my left foot is working the high hat! Lord knows there aren’t enough minutes in the day to practice air-drumming, so why not make the most of the free time you get during your daily (quadra-daily for some of you) constitutional?

Now, if you’re new to drumming, it’s a pretty tough skill to pick up. Practice is essential. The big thing that separates drumming from other musical disciplines is the need to independently control the motions of both feet and hands. And to top it off, you’ll be working your mouth too because you’ll want to yell out things like “Yeah!” and “Fuck yeah!” to your pretend bandmates who are rocking out every bit as hard as you are. To help guide you in your development, here are some good songs to practice air-drumming to, in order of increasing difficulty.

Beginner: For Those About to Rock (We Salute You), AC/DC

This is perhaps the finest novice air-drumming song ever written. It has an insanely high ass-kicking to tempo ratio which is good because as a beginner, you’ll need a slow tempo to learn the independent control of hands and feet. Best of all, you can scream “Fire!” during the 21-gun-salute part to mask the noise of your bowel movement if you’re one of those types who takes extremely noisy, grunting dumps.

Other Beginner Songs: anything by Aerosmith – their drummer sucks.

Intermediate: D’You Know What I Mean?, Oasis

Here’s a great tune that would actually be pretty bland without its drum line (see every other Oasis song ever written). This is a slightly more difficult endeavour (Welcome to our readers in Canada, Britain, and former British colonies worldwide!) due to the more demanding interplay between the snare and high hat. Best of all, during the intro, the drumming is extremely simple so you’ll be able to sing that weird backward tape thing that sounds like a guy saying “Fuck me.” Just be sure to then sing the rest because unfortunately that aforementioned handful of degenerates has made foot-tapping and saying “Fuck me” in a public restroom some sort of lewd and lascivious act.

Other Intermediate Songs: Loser, Beck; Tremor Christ, Pearl Jam

Advanced: Eleven, Primus

You must be getting pretty good at those air drums if you’re thinking about tackling a Tim Alexander drum line! You’re going to need to expand your air kit quite a bit to include some of the interesting toms and cymbals employed here. Not only does the song have a complex intro, but the body of the song is in a strange time signature that will definitely push your rhythm skills to the extreme. When you’re done drumming, take the time to ponder the enigmatic song title of this ditty about non-conformity while wiping your ass.

Other Advanced Songs: X-Static, Foo Fighters; So Close, Alice In Chains

Expert: Geek USA, Smashing Pumpkins

The piece de resistance – a drum line so complex that the stress of recording it drove drummer Jimmy Chamberlain to disappear on a heroin binge among Atlanta’s finest flophouses. His bandmates thought he was dead, LOL!! Fast, complex and obnoxiously aggressive (in the best way possible), you don’t have a fucking chance in the world of getting this drum line right. Instead, just flail your entire body around like crazy and try not to drop your Ipod in the toilet, now brimming with your rancid, Chipotle-fueled offal. Seriously, if you’re out of school and have a few bucks in your pocket, you don’t have to eat Chipotle 5 times a week. Try mixing in a salad, fruits or beans into your diet. The fiber will help you regulate your irritable bowel syndrome. 50 million Americans plus YOU suffer from IBS, the other 250 million just haven’t been told that they do yet – click here for more information.

Other Expert songs: Hooker with a Penis, Tool; Cash Car Star, Smashing Pumpkins