A story recently broke in a highly reputable British newspaper that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il died in 2003 and has been replaced by a team of body-doubles that he had trained to be experts in looking like him. It doesn’t often go reported, but today we’ll take a look at other well-known persons who have been dead for an extended time but live on via skillful look-alikes.

1. Rick Neuheisel

The scandal-clad football coach quietly passed away due to a brain aneurysm in 2002. In his will, he stipulated that a coaching droid should be constructed so that he might posthumously fulfill his lifelong wish of coaching soon-to-be Baltimore Ravens quarterback Kyle Boller. The droid was commissioned in 2005. Unfortunately, in late 2007 the droid attained full sentience and seized control of the UCLA football program, robbing a series of San Bernardino jewelry stores in the process. This is a nightmarish example of what happens when man treads in the domain of the gods.

2. Maynard James Keenan

The iconic frontman of Tool and A Perfect Circle quietly passed away from a stroke in 2006. Owing to the poor dietary habits engendered by constant touring, his doctors believe the stroke occurred while Maynard was straining to evacuate his bowels in a Munich, Germany hotel room. Unwilling to issue refunds to concertgoers, his bandmates instead chose to recruit a doppelganger from a nearby S&M dungeon. Owing to the German legal systems ancient roots in Paganism, Maynard’s death was reclassified as a “soul transfer” and the look-alike officially became Maynard James Keenan, hence the lack of reporting in American media sources. Since his soul transfer, little has changed about Maynard’s music except for the exclusive lyrical focus on coprophagia.

3. Tone-Loc

The hip-hop pioneer and inspiration for Weird Al’s “Gilligan’s Isle-Thing” passed away quietly in 1995 from the complications of diabetes. Having been displaced from the mainstream by the burgeoning gangsta rap movement, his death went largely unnoticed. Because few can remember what Tone-Loc actually looked like, he has been replaced by a rotating cast of substitutes including such notables as Isaiah Whitlock Jr. (1998), Rae Dawn Chong (2001) and Cuba Gooding Jr. (2006). In fact, in Daddy Day Camp, Cuba Gooding Jr. is actually credited as Tone-Loc.

4. Sen. Chris Dodd

The senior senator from Connecticut was quietly stillborn in 1944. Fearing a malpractice claim, his attending obstetrician immediately replaced him with an orphaned baby whose father, coincidentally, illegitimately sired the girl who would go on to voice the character Daphne on the original Scooby Doo cartoons. The newborn orphan was an almost exact match for the stillborn Dodd, allowing the subterfuge to succeed. Pundits suspect that Dodd could be the senator from a more important state such as Texas or Arizona were he not the abandoned bastard offspring of nomadic white trash.

5. Louie Anderson

The pleasantly plump comedian quietly passed away from pneumonia in 2002, shortly following his departure from Family Feud. He was replaced by actress Camryn Manheim who saw the gender-bending role as an opportunity to boost her acting skills. When polled, most critics believed that it was Camryn Manheim who was dead and Louie Anderson who continued to portray her.

6. Kerri Strug

The spritely Olympic heroine quietly drowned while trying to rescue a dog that had fallen through the ice of a pond in 2006. Being one amongst a set of identical octuplets, the Reebok corporation saw fit to replace her with one of her siblings to complete the post-Olympic speaking tour to which she was contractually bound. Unfortunately, the tour was passing through the northern tier of America where each of Kerri’s siblings consecutively perished while rescuing dogs from frozen ponds. Kerri Strug was finally pronounced dead on February 27, 2006 following Mary-Ann’s drowning. All dogs survived their icy ordeals.

7. Andrei Kirilenko

The stone-faced Utah Jazz forward quietly passed from viral meningitis in early 2008. Prior to his death, he was reportedly seen making out with guard Deron Williams although this report can’t be substantiated nor can it be proven that this was the source of his infection. Following his death, the Jazz moved quickly to replace Kirilenko with actor and look-alike Dolph Lundgren. Interestingly, his 3-pt accuracy and assist per game saw substantial improvement after Lundgren took over for Kirilenko. Utah residents did not have any strong feelings about the dead player switcheroo trick so long as their beloved Jazz kept winning, but most did feel strongly that an internet-based list should have either 5 or 10 entries, but definitely not 7.

And in case you forgot that, here’s a brand-new clip of the I-Man not being racist (or being not racist, whichever you prefer):

Nothing racist about that!

And yet — of course — AGAIN — the PC police (the real racists, mind you) are throwing a hissy fit like they did last time with those Rutgers "nappy-headed hos" comments (and have you guys actually SEEN pictures of some of those so-called "ladies"???).

This time they’re trying to somehow equate Don’s equation of being Black with being a criminal as racist.

All I have to say is let the man explain himself. Listen to him tomorrow morning, accept everything he says absolutely and unreservedly, and let’s just get this hullabaloo over with. I don’t want this thing stretching into hour two and pushing back the I-Team Zoo Crew’s annual radio play reading of Gayniggers from Outer Space.

Keep an ear out for Bernard McGuirk’s star turn as Sgt. Shaved Balls.

Developing …

Seminal sketch comedy performer, comic hero, and all-around likable guy, Michael Showalter:

AND

Likely only recent semen producer, tier-two tween heartthrob, and one of the now five Hannah Montana actors whose names I know by memory, Mitchel Musso:

Please read no implied lookalikability between usually-serious actor Christopher Meloni and one of the now five Hannah Montana actors whose names I know by memory, Emily Osment, due to their corresponding photographic placements. I have implied no such linkage.

Update!

I now know by memory the names of six Hannah Montana actors (Jason Earles).

I find myself incapable of suppressing a smile today despite the tragic circumstances surrounding the passing of Redskins safety Sean Taylor. It has made me realize that every day is beautiful and we should be striving to spend every moment possible with our friends and loved ones.

Ah, here comes my buddy Mac now! How goes it my best friend….Okay, just because we’re best buds doesn’t mean we have to get all touchy-feely. I’m happy to share a conversation with you; I’m not interested in sharing any viruses you picked up from Ms. Barrymore. Let’s keep a little personal space, please.

You know Mac, I was just saying how you have to savor every day as if it were your last. As you can see here, only 37% of people will tell someone they care about that they love them today. Isn’t that sad? Yes, yes. I love you too, buddy.

Especially with the holidays coming, it’s time to revel in the friendship of others! I can’t thank you enough for this Christmas sweater! And here, I know you said I shouldn’t but I got you that C++ GUI Programming Guide I always wanted anyway. You’re welcome! Seeing the smile on your face makes it all worthwhile.

And remember this fort we built to keep our enemies out? I say we demolish it so that all may share in the bond of our friendship. Perhaps we can thaw the heart of someone who has heretofore spurned us!

Come now, Mac! Let us retire with our dates for this evening to the local trattoria for some good food, good conversation and, if we play our cards right, good four-way anal sex. Remember when I said I didn’t want the viruses you contracted from Ms. Barrymore? Well, truth be told I would be delighted for you infect my rectum with them in the name of friendship!

To the restaurant!….Oh, hold on – I have to take this call. Hello? Yes…..Okay, now Emo….Yes, okay. Remember when I told you that I wouldn’t keep helping you if you didn’t quit that marching band? Well, I meant it. No…..No I will not untangle you from your god-damned trombone again!……Emo, no!….What do you mean you’d rather have us dead than have someone else untangle you? Emo, where are you? What? Right behind me!?! But….Emo!!!

Oh Jesus, he’s got a fucking gun! Ahhhh! He shot me! He shot me in my fucking femoral artery! I pray the bullet doesn’t travel through my bloodstream to one of my ventricles!

Jesus Christ, Mac! Why the fuck didn’t you tell me Emo was standing behind me with a fucking gun! I hope you fucking die you whiny hipster piece of shit!!!!!!

Coco Crisp, Patron Saint of Stupid Names

Step 1: Find a breeding partner capable of producing with you a male child.

Step 2: Produce such a child.

Step 3A: Name the male child in a bizarre fashion. Wait approximately 20 years.

Step 3B: Success!

******

You’re probably wondering how such a simple scheme can have such an infinitesimally small chance of failure. The idea stems from Social Differentiation Patterning Theory, or as it is more commonly known, the Coco Crisp Theory.

To understand the theory, ask yourself this: as an adult, how frequently do you encounter other adults with completely bizarre first names? Perhaps as a child, you knew someone with an unusual name, but you no longer know people like that because, simply put, they’ve all become famous. Think about it, famous athletes – Peerless Pryce, Coco Crisp, Milton Bradley, famous actors – Skeet Ulrich, Yahoo Serious, famous nobodies – Dweezil Zappa. It was impossible for these individuals to not become famous. More than likely, people with unusual names become used to being the center of attention from an early age, causing them to strive for increasing levels of fame as they age. Regardless of the reason, there is no denying the power of the Coco Crisp Theory. Every second you waste not producing male offspring is another second longer until you become rich on your child’s cache.

Peerless Price, Equaled by None…Oh Wait, by Many

There are a few important corollaries to SDP Theory. Success or failure will probably hinge upon your ability to properly interpret these rules.

Corollary 1: Ethnicity Patterning

Certain ethnic groups tend to name their offspring in outlandish fashion purely out of habit, no ethnicities mentioned. Simply corrupting a more common name to create a strange new name will not guarantee fame. If you belong to an ethnic group that is known for its unusual names, you will need to find a more creative way to name your baby boy – try something like Slugger or Flashlight.

Yahoo Serious – He was Carrot Top when Being Carrot Top WAS Cool!

Corollary 2: Anti-Ethnic Patterning

Certain ethnic groups, specifically honkies, are known for choosing ultra-conservative names for their children. Giving a honky boy a distinctly ethnic name may offer a slightly better chance of raising a superstar, but care must be exercised. For example, naming your child Tyrone Long will not work, but Hung Long will work without question. “Soulful” ethnic names, like those derived from Swahili or Hindi words, may work so long as the name is chosen with sincerity, allowing the irony to ripen with age. See Dhani Harrison, son of Beatle George Harrison.

Corollary 3: Intentional Patterning

Puns and plays on words will work without fail. Unfortunately, most people are not blessed with naturally useful surnames. Luckily, the American legal system has a convenient process for changing names. Carefully plan your name change and make sure it has been approved before the child is born to ensure your boy has maximum time to establish his identity. As an example, I have recently changed my last name to Yula in anticipation of the day when I sire my first son, Cownchock.

Skeet! Skeet! Skeet!

Corollary 4: Esteem Patterning

Choosing a name that is more embarrassing than unusual will lead to the ultimate form of failure. If your child grows up as an object of ridicule, he will either commit suicide or become a Wiccan before he can achieve fame. Needless to say, this is a catastrophic waste of the large upfront monetary investment you are making to breed and raise this child with the expectation that he will be financing your lifestyle by his eighteenth birthday.

Corollary 5: Gender Patterning

Perhaps the one lingering question is why this theory has been applied only to male children. The reason is simple: girls are a total crap-shoot. There are examples of oddly-named famous females such as Soleil Moon Frye and Zooey Deschanel. However, naming a female outlandishly mostly guarantees that she will grow up to become a stripper or porn slut. A slightly higher probability can be found by either locking your daughter in a closet throughout her childhood, or having her spend every weekend with her uncle. In either case, no strategy will bring fame to your daughter unless she is attractive.

Soleil Moon Frye – From Punky Brewster to a Filthy, Whory Slut!

On a personal side note, I think Punky Brewster then and now is the creepiest thing yet on a site filled with creepy things.

Let’s see some of those stupid names that you have named or will be naming your children down in the comments section!

Inn Love’s Tori Spelling

Star Wars’ Admiral Ackbar

Seriously,

what the fuck happened

to Tori Spelling’s face?

Introduction

I’ve done a bit of preliminary research, and as you will see from these Google News searches I have confirmed that Tori Spelling HAS NOT recently:

• been hit by a train
• survived a badger attack
• reentered Earth’s atmosphere without a protective heat shield

which begs the question

What the fuck happened to Tori Spelling’s face?

What We Know

I recently discovered the reality program Tori and Dean: Inn Love which ostensibly shows what happens when two famous people give up their go-go Hollywood lifestyles to run a bed and breakfast somewhere near, I don’t know, Pasadena.

The first and only most glaring problem with this premise is that Tori and Dean are not two famous people. Tori, I’ll grant you, is famous; she’s pretty much the human embodiment of D-List. But Dean, Dean McDermott is most definitely not famous since, as the old saying goes, "if your name is Dean and you’re not

• 90s heartthrob/Superman Dean Cain,
• Suspense novelist Dean Koontz,
• College Basketball Hall of Fame coach Dean Smith,
• (the corpse of) legendary Rat Pack member Dean Martin,
• (t.c.o.) Major League Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher Dizzy Dean,
• (t.c.o.) 50s heartthrob James Dean,
• (t.c.o.) sausage entrepreneur Jimmy Dean,
• Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean,
• Recent Atlantic Basin storm system Hurricane Dean,
• Upscale grocery store chain Dean & DeLuca co-founder Joel Dean,
• Felon/Nixon White House counsel John Dean
• or this guy:

then you are not a famous Dean."

And yes that image file is part of the old saying – when spoken aloud its binary code is read as a series of zeros and ones easily making it the longest and most tedious of all maxims.

What We Don’t Know

Duh, we don’t know

What the fuck happened to Tori Spelling’s face?

I know what you’re going to say – "Come on, cut her some slack, she recently gave birth" – yeah but not through her mouth!

I want you to look closely at the following image taken from a darling promotional photo for T&D:IL

Are you going to tell me that the producers aren’t trying to hide some serious blunt force trauma here? They should call the program Tori and Dean and 30 Pounds of Foundation.

The show features a sassy fat black woman or sassifablaman^® who serves less to sass than to constantly remind the viewer of what Tori Spelling will look like the instant she shaves her head and becomes black.

The rest of Tori and Dean amounts to the two titular fugazis ripping off every other plodding, godawful celebrity reality show possible. Lowlights include:

• Paris Tori dressing up and fawning over her stupid fucking toy dog!
• Jessica Tori saying something offensively stupid while Nick Dean mugs for the camera with the "don’t you just love this retard?"-look!
• Anna Nicole Tori eating too much and incessantly talking about her gross boobs!

Conclusion

The current condition of Tori Spelling’s face has accomplished the formerly unthinkable feat of making her 90210 character Donna Martin (aka "the ugly one") look patently hot by comparison.

Sort of.

So,

What the fuck happened to Tori Spelling’s face?

Sadly I can’t figure it out – but perhaps you can.

So I leave it to you, my intrepid reader:

1. Find a television that receives Tori and Dean on the Oxygen Network
2. Set a Tivo or other-brand DVR to record Tori and Dean on the Oxygen Network
3. Watch Tori and Dean on the Oxygen Network

and then report back here if you’re able to solve this exceedingly fuggly riddle.

Godspeed.

Mac, I know we’ve had some good times together in recent years. I’ll never forget how you taught me to act aloof like I’m better than anyone else. For example, here’s my “too cool for school” grin that I’ve learned to use when talking to people beneath me:

However, your recent behavior has come to my attention and I’m afraid I might not trust your judgment enough to continue this friendship. No….no, please keep your distance!

Yes, it has come to my attention that the second I turned my back, you were immediately making out with actress Drew Barrymore. An informal survery of male college students revealed that a full 63% agreed with the statement “Making out with Drew Barrymore makes Mac gay.” Here’s a chart showing this data.

Now, I personally do not agree with this majority opinion. My onboard algorithms confirm that Ms. Barrymore is in fact female. My further research indicates that she has absorbed an unacceptable amount of semen from noted actor and comedian Tom Green. No….no Mac, you cannot attempt to buy back my loyalty with the C++ GUI programming guide I’ve always wanted.

I’m very deeply hurt by all of this sneaking around behind my back and I must now hide in this box to protect me from whatever diseases you are probably now oozing with.

And to think, I had lined us up a double date with these two fine ladies. It looks like I’ll be entertaining them myself this evening because they too are now repulsed by your thoroughly infected body.

Oh, what fortuitous timing! It’s my old, loyal friend Emo! Emo, would you care to accompany your friend PC and these lovely ladies to a fine Italian restaurant this evening? That is wonderful news, but Emo, you must put that trombone down! Emo….no! Now you’ve done it!

Great! Now my lady friends have left and Mac is right back to frenching Drew Barrymore and groping her doughy lady parts! I hope you’re happy!

No Mac, get away from me! You smell like cheese and it’s making me ill! I wish my motherboard had terminated my fetal subroutine! Waaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Move over Sinbad and Harland Williams, there’s two new sheriffs* in town.
* ’sheriffs’ here meaning "hack comics starring in adult-themed prime time network animated comedies"

In celebration of the imminent premiere/cancellation of Fox’s new animated series "Two Dreadful Children," catsandbeer.com has decided to pit two of the show’s stars against one another to once and for all answer the question mankind has furiously debated since around 1997 or so:

Who is the more loathsome mincing comic anathema, French Stewart or Chris Kattan?

Round One: Television

The case for French

French Stewart is best known as "that annoying guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun," which is no small feat when you consider that the show starred this asshole:

It was on 3rd Rock that Stewart introduced the world to his signature look (like he’s trying to shit out an inadvertently swallowed plastic army man) and his signature delivery (like he’s trying to piss one out).

The case for Kattan

Chris Kattan spent seven years on Saturday Night Live where, like so many female cast members before and after him, he made up for a deficit of talent by shrieking like a banshee and blowing writers at the weekly wrap party.

On SNL, Kattan exhibited uncommon range, portraying a gay dancer, gay designer, and gay dictator while somehow still finding the time to fearlessly lampoon the sacred cow subcultures of both apple-crazed subhumans AND goths!

Verdict

What’s worse, playing one asshole character for 138 episodes or playing 138 for an episode each? Point goes to Kattan.

Round Two: Movies

The case for French

French Stewart has starred in more horrible movies than the Leprechaun.

McHale’s Navy, Clockstoppers, Love Stinks – all films so vile they can legally be used to induce miscarriage in the case of incest, rape, or when a mother’s life is in danger.

Even more remarkably, French has starred in some movies so incomprehensibly bad that no one even knows they exist!

The case for Kattan

Although not as prolific a shit film actor as Stewart, Kattan has still spattered the silver screen with his leavings far too frequently.

In spite of what the title implies, as Corky Romano in a film by the same name Kattan does not play the recombinant end-product of coupling DNA from the male leads of Life Goes On and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Unfortunately, watching those two actors relentlessly fuck in an impossible effort to produce such an offspring would be less nauseating than stomaching Kattan’s supposed metamorphosis from flitting nancy boy black sheep of a crime family (I’m with you so far) to confident ladies man, hero, and respected member of the mob (you lost me at ‘to’).

While Romano (5%) and A Night at the Roxbury (8%) have ensured that Hollywood will never again greenlight a Kattan-centric project, a glance at rottentomates.com reveals that Chris has still managed to further degrade other already fetid productions such as Brendan Fraser’s flaccid Monkeybone (19% fresh) and the scary-bad House on Haunted Hill (22%).

Verdict

Stewart and Kattan are both legitimate Razzies threats every year they’re eligible, so deciding which one’s the better actor is like trying to judge a bowel movement beauty contest.

I’d call this one a draw except that Chris Kattan is the owner of one of my all-time favorite "Fuck it, I don’t even care any more" movie moments:

In the already mentioned House on Haunted Hill, director Mark Malone has filmed himself into a corner by leaving his protagonists inescapably trapped by an evil force with mere frames of celluloid to go, so he just has the ghost of Kattan’s killed off character show up to let the good guys out.

Score one for Frenchie

Round 3: Comics Who Hate Them

The case for Kattan

Behind the scenes on SNL, comic genius Norm Macdonald would endlessly rip on Kattan in what one can only imagine was entertainment 10x better than anything that’s aired on the venerable we-can’t-ever-stop-making-this-because-it’s-historic show since Phil Hartman got merked.

Here’s a quote from Norm about Kattan that ran in a 1997 Rolling Stone article on SNL:

"I don’t know, but to me he seems gay," Macdonald says. " He claims he’s not, but I’ve never seen, like, a guy who’s not gay seem so gay. I don’t find him funny. What can I say? Never made me laugh."

The case for French

Comedians don’t seem to have strong feelings about Stewart, but I think that’s because to them French doesn’t even seem like a real person, and who gets angry at a figment of the world’s collective imagination? It would be like hating the Tooth Fairy or the Great Pumpkin.

The only thing I managed to dig up was that French found unflattering an impression Jimmy Fallon did of him.

Wow.

The ironic footnote here of course is that Fallon is likely unaware that while he has thus far only impersonated French Stewart, he is in fact a couple of years and another Taxi away from BEING French Stewart.

Verdict

Who would you rather have think you suck, the greatest fake news man ever or the star of Fever Pitch?

Score another one for Kattan

Round 4: Women Be Shoppin!

or

The Ladies Who Really Truly Love Them For Them

Both French and Chris married up, particularly Chris. (Get it? Because he’s short!)

The case for Kattan

In 2005, Kattan became engaged to human female/person whose name doesn’t sound like a person’s name Sunshine Tutt

The two recently appeared together on a tanning salon reality show that somehow is not named Sunshine Hutt.

The case for French

In 1998, French married actress Katherine LaNasa.

Incidentally, LaNasa – who has starred in multiple network series and who was once Mrs. Dennis Hopper – married down (way down).

Verdict

When you look at earning power, you come to the disturbing realization that French Stewart is actually the trophy spouse of his marriage.

That poor woman.

Another point for scrunched-up face guy.

Round 5: Miscellaneous Disgraces

This is exciting, we’re tied up going into the final round so it all comes down to this, the various sundry tidbits and tads that help make these people the annoying fucks that they are.

The case for Kattan

• His official website is chriskattan.net even though he also owns the .com version
• He refers to his fans as "Kattaners" and charges them to join his fan club
• He "likes rain, snow, lightening [sic] and thunder"
• This:

The case for French

• He was once the spokesman for Clamato, a spicy beverage made from clam and tomato juice that is a trademark of the Mott’s company

Verdict

The man sold clam juice. Clam juice.

MOTHERFUCKING FRENCH STEWART USED TO SELL MOTHERFUCKING CLAM JUICE

How could I ever hold malice in my heart for a man who at the height of his popularity had to push jugs of clam juice to get by? I couldn’t.

Point to Kattan for the round and the win.

Post-Match Analysis

So there you have it: Chris Kattan is officially more loathsome than is French Stewart.

Tell everyone you know unless you know Chris Kattan in which case tell everyone you know except him since he’s probably an all right guy and it might hurt his feelings.

Before I started this article I had a feeling that Kattan was worse, so it’s rewarding to see the cold hard data prove me correct.

At this point I will do as is customary with serious scientific pursuits such as these and offer up my findings for peer review. I encourage you to leave as comments on this website any quarrels you may have with my methodology, divergent conclusions derived from your own research, or just any funny/caustic shit you feel like writing about Chris Kattan and French Stewart.

Update!

Let your voice be heard – vote in the Catsandbeer poll!

Update!

Congratulations to Chris Kattan and Sunshine Nutt on their impending nuptials! Catsandbeer.com would like to extend warm wishes to the couple and hopes the two enjoy blissful married life until they get divorced.

Update! 2

That didn’t take long: Kattan files for separation 2 months after wedding.

I’m sure it was a blissful two months.