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“What are you in for?”

“Fuck dude, I met up with this dude I know at Nouveau, and like, the deal is that he comps me my drinks for the night if I let him fuck me in the ass. So he finishes up and I’m bleeding like Niagara Falls back there but I don’t even care because he gives me some of his pot. And I swear to fucking God that shit was laced with PCP….”

“I never get that.”

“Get what?”

“Why dealers lace their weed with PCP. I mean, I smoke to chill out, not to punch through fucking brick walls….”

“I know, and I’m freaking out because I know I’m going to be crashing right around daybreak when I’m supposed to be driving a busload of kids to school in the morning. So I get the hell out of there and go looking for the dude who I know I can score some coke or meth from to keep me going. So I find him and I get in his face over the money because the dude is always selling me shit that’s half baby laxative and I thought he owed me a freebie. So he tells me to fuck off, right? And so I fucking stabbed him right in his fucking throat!….”

“Jesus.”

“I can’t even believe the fucking police arrested me. The dude was a dealer and a fucking illegal, so I was doing everyone a favor. I fucking hate PCP man. Fuck…..What did you do?”

” I was caught breaking in to Joe Lieberman’s office.”

“Wait, why?”

“I just wanted to talk to him about the Zionist conspiracy to cover up 9/11.”

“Wait, what?”

“Lieberman’s a Zionist and has actively conspired with the Zionist cabal that makes decisions for the White House to make 9/11 look like the work of Muslim extremists as a pretext for war against Anti-Israeli interests in the Middle East.”

“Uh, yeah dude. I bet they’re also saving Hitler’s brain in a bunker five miles underground.”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure the extraterrestrials who gave Hitler jet engine technology in exchange for his agreeing not to develop atomic weaponry have his brain.”

“…………..Got any cigarettes?”

“Yeah, what’s it worth to you?”

“I’ll give you a blowjob.”